The Discovery of Making Good Foods

Let me just start off by saying that I didn’t say cooking or baking in the title of this blog because dear readers, I have tackled BOTH in these last couple of days. I am not one to toot my own horn but the results have been pretty fricken awesome if I do say so myself.

First up - Baking. Ok, so, I actually kinda shuddered at the thought of baking because 1. I never took chemistry and 2. I’m not the best at following directions in an exact way (shocking, I know). What does chemistry have to do with baking you ask? EVERYTHING.

Example: I was attempting to make chocolate mint cupcakes before my Christmas party on December 19th. Now, while the cupcakes were from a box mix, the directions stated things that I had never seen before, such as “Cream the butter”. Wtf is that? Isn’t butter already creamy? I googled it and apparently it means to combine sugar with butter. First problem. The directions on the back of the cupcake box did not call for sugar. Mind you, this is just the frosting. Now for the real bitch - the cupcakes. OKKKKKKK SOOOOO the recipe called for unsalted butter aka sweet cream butter to be beat with a hand mixer. Ok, no problem right? WRONG. I had taken the butter out AT LEAST an hour before so that it would soften. Apparently it wasn’t soft enough and got caught up in the… beater thingys and refused to be beaten. Of COURSE I get the rebellious butter. Now here is where I made my huge mistake. I figured well hell, why not throw a stick on the microwave and THEN beat it. Logical, right? I do that and the butter melts (I can hear all those familiar with baking saying Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! or Nooooooooooooo!) but I figure no big deal right? It’s going to melt in the oven anyway, right? NOPE. I combined everything else, put the mixture in the cupcake tins, put them in the over and set the time timer for 20mins and walked away. 20 mins later the cupcakes had not solidified. 15 more mins. Still a liquidy consistency. I was already stressed because the kitchen was a disaster and the party was supposed to start in 2 hours so you can image my howls of frustration. I ended up just throwing everything away and vowing to never attempt to make that brand of cupcakes again.

Due to this previous experience you can understand why I was a bit nervous when I got a wild hair up my ass to make chocolate chip cookies from scratch, right? ANYWAY, my mother is a lean, mean, baking machine. She can make pretty much bake anything and doesn’t even need a recipe (bitch). So I called home with the intention of getting her chocolate chip cookie recipe only to have my dad answer and remind me that my mother was up north visiting HER mother. So my dad went through my mothers MANY cook books and found a few recipes. I copied one down and entered my kitchen determined to make my butter scream TOBY. Learning from my past mistake I made SURE the butter was super soft but NOT melted. I figured that since the other recipe called for combining the sugar and butter first, I’d do that. Then I added the vanilla extract, then the egg. I had already mixed the flour, baking soda, and salt in another bowl and SLOWLY added that to the butter mixture. After everything was mixed I stirred in the chocolate chips. I greased the cookie sheet (yay spray on butter!) and plopped some of the dough onto the sheet, shoved it in the oven and vowed that if these cookies turned out bad I would never bake again.

How did they turn out? FUCKING AWESOME! Because I am a firm believer of “Pics or it didn’t happen” you can see a picture of one of the wonderful, fluffy cookies below. They came out perfect. I mean REALLY perfect! They were soft and hard in all the right places (what does that wound like I’m describing a man…..) and yummers.

I felt triumphant. It was awesome.

Ok, now on to the cooking. I can honestly say that I think I’m becoming a pretty damn good cook. I’m like my mom in that I only really need basic guidelines and I can go by taste. On to the cooking awesomeness. We (Stu and I) subscribe to Farm Fresh to You which is a company that delivers fresh produce, right from the farm to you, hence the name. The quality is AMAZING and it’s given me the chance to try vegetables and fruits I never would have. Example, I had never had a leek before. I had no idea what it was and thought it looks like a green onion on steroids (I’m not kidding, the size of the ones we get would make a great weapon). We had gotten leeks before and had either given them away or ended up throwing them away because they went bad. When our box came yesterday it had more leeks. It also had potatoes. A couple of friends have talked about potato leek soup so I thought, what the hell, I’ll try it. I found a recipe on one of the MANY online recipe places and it called for bacon as well. For the recipe I used, the first thing you’re supposed to do is cut up the potatoes and bring them to a boil in chicken broth. I wanted to add a bit more flavor so I added, salt, pepper, garlic salt, and some dried minced onions. That alone tasted yummy so I was excited. The next thing you do is fry up the bacon and then keep some of the grease to sauté the leeks in. Easy peasy. When the potatoes are tender, add the leeks, bacon, and some heavy cream.

IT WAS FUCKING AMAZING.

Seriously. Stu went back for doubles and I have some left over that I’m going to eat for lunch. A pic of the awesomness is below.


So, the moral of this post is… try new things, keep on trying, AND food is awesome. Like, realllllllly awesome. *looks at thighs* ahem… food is also awesome in moderation….

The Discovery of Me School Photos

As previously promised, here are a few of my favorite pics I have taken for photography class:






You take these without my permission, I harm you. For serious. It's happened before.

*glares menacingly*

lol K. Soooooo what do ya think, y'all

The Discovery of the Major Incompetence and Suckage of Northwest Airlines

Ah ha. Once more it has been too long since I have updated…

*slaps hand*

I will admit that I have been in a rut as of late so words weren’t exactly flowing from my brain… more like sticking to the inside of the imagination. Anywho. This post is a tale of my adventure to WI. And oh what a tale it is.

Sooooo we start on October 28th (last Wednesday). Our plane was supposed to take off from SFO at 2:51pm and land in Minneapolis, MN at 8:36pm leaving us plenty of time to make our connecting flight to Madison, WI at 10pm. We booked our tickets through Orbitz which was handy because it texts me in case there are any delays.

The first text informed me that our flight would be delayed until 3:45pm and would now arrive in Minneapolis at 9:30pm. Ok, that was cutting it close but still doable.

The second text informed me that we were now delayed until 4:10pm and wouldn’t arrive until 9:42pm. Nail biting ensued. Surely our connecting flight would be delayed as well?!

Nay. I received a third text from Orbitz letting me know that it was A-ok and on time. I honestly wasn’t really worried because I figured they’d hold the plane as there were 7 other people going to Madison from our flight. This is logical because there are only 20 seats on the plane to Madison and it wasn’t even full.

Did this happen? Ohhhhh no. In fact, our connecting flight headed out to the runway right as we were taxiing in. Now, I have traveled via plane a lot and LOGICALLY there was always another flight to my desired airport. But, this is Northwest (or Northworst as it shall now be called) and logic DOES NOT APPLY. No more flights = what the fuck do we do. Well, thank goodness there was an older gentleman that rallied us together and we pounced on the ticketing agent letting her know that they would provide a hotel room for us and a new plane ticket. Our new departure time was at 8:45am the next day and boy oh boy did they spring for a wonderful hotel room at the Days Inn. I don’t know if any of you have ever stayed in a Days Inn but the atmosphere of our lovely cigarette scented room (and this was a non-smoking room) inspired me to keep my socks on at all times. Stu (my beau) attempted to take a shower and found that the hot and cold was mixed up and showering was not an option for me as there was only ONE towel.

Good times, good times.

So we finally arrived in Madison and my brother in law picked us up and the WI adventure began. The whole family experience may or may not be provided in another post as it wasn’t too eventful (thank god) but at the same time… meh.

So after this lovely trip to WI we figured that we just couldn’t possibly have bad luck back to CA. Right? Right?

HOLY FUCKING WRONG.

The same motherfucking thing happened. The flight was delayed out of Madison and OF COURSE we would have missed our connecting flight to SFO and OF COURSE there were no more planes to SFO that day so we had to stay one more night in Fort Atkinson with my sister.

How much do I hate Northworst? Let’s just say that if I ever ran in to CEO of the company, I wouldn’t hesitate to punch him in the balls for not funding enough flights AND for using shitty planes. Fun Fact: Northwest was bought out by Delta due to the lack of funds so the same goes for any Delta CEO.

Here are some pics that help me convey my hate.





These images belong to lolercats

The Discovery of Lack of Time

Time, time, TIME!

Where do you go? Blarg. I’ve become a blog junkie as of late and I want to know HOW THESE GIRLS DO ALL THESE THINGS!!!!! Their photos, their stories, how the hell do they have time to write them and take the photos? Do they have a job? How????????? I feel like my head is full of sand. I want to get back into drawing or take more photos but when I get home the only thing I can think of is how comforting the bed is.

Meh.

It could have something to do with the fact that we are STILL not settled into our new abode. And no, I shan’t post pictures till every last box has been banished from our living space.

Speaking of boxes.

My mother (who has discovered my blog….) sent Stu and I 26 boxes of stuff. Yes, 26. What is this “stuff”: toilet paper, canned foods, placemats, pine-sol, garbage bags, candles, flashlights, etc - the very definition of stuff. Have I mentioned that I’ve lived in San Francisco for 5 years? Now, I am in no way ungrateful… it’s just… we were almost done unpacking before all these boxes arrived. Also, if there is a zombie invasion you are all invited to my pad as I have enough canned food to last over a year and since we’re on a hill, picking zombies off from our balcony will be easy.

So, back to my whine. These blogs:

• Day Dream Lily
• The Feather Circus
• Deerlings & Ghostthings
• Owl in the Dark
• Seafarings
• The Lost Princess
  

make me restless and craving adventure. I want to find my creative streak again and sew it to my toes like Wendy sewed Peter’s shadow so it never escaped again. I also want to try selling some of my drawings.

*shuffles feet nervously*

I haven’t really showed anyone what I draw and I still haven’t found a good medium to produce it on but I really, really want to try.

I’ve been getting really in to photography lately (not just for my class) and am going to start saving up for an SLR. It’s funny because when I told everyone that I was taking a photography class, most people encouraged me by saying that I had a really good eye for it. My mother even sent me a pic I took of the ocean (while in Florida) when I was about 13 that she framed. I’ll post my assignment pictures on here eventually.

*twiddles thumbs*

As I said, time is of the lost category for me right now. One thing I have noticed while taking photography class is that I really, really, really disliked learning the “technicalities” as I go by how it looks and what I WANT it to look like. In my last class the teacher gave us a situation where you had to measure the light balance and then from that reading figure out what the best shutter time and aperture stop would work best. How can you answer that? What if you want it under-exposed or over-exposed? How can you judge without taking a picture? I’d rather go on what I feel. I dunno… art in general is so hard to teach because everyone approaches a subject a different way and while 100 people could be looking at the same thing, they’ll interpret it their own way through their own medium.

*sigh*

Methinks it’s time to find my self discipline. Honestly, I think it’s at a bar some where downing whiskey and cursing my ability to overpower it.

*sigh again*

The Discovery of the Swine Flu

Yes, I contracted h1n1 flu aka the dreaded Swine Flu.

Who has the best luck in the world? *points to self*

Obviously I’m alive so the panic the press instilled in to most of America was just hype (the press over dramatize something??? NOOO NEVER!). Honestly it wasn’t that bad. It was kind of like the normal flu only without the vomiting from both mouth and bum (thank god). The only difference was that I got the worst chills I’ve ever had in my life. My teeth were chattering so hard that I thought I’d break one. The only major concern was my breathing. I have mild asthma and need an inhaler from time to time and the swine flu has been deadly to those with lung problems due to the fact that it actually attacks the lungs the hardest. I had to get my inhaler again and am still using it.

Meh.

Another not so nice thing was that I was ALWAYS tired. and had a bit of a fever. I was sleeping 14+ hours a day and still felt like a zombie. I was off work and school for 10 days which would have been nice had I the energy to do ANYTHING. The first time I left the house was to get a new wireless router because we had an old one that had given up on life. That trip seemed very long to me, and very, very, slow and more than a few puffs were needed to walk up the “omfg this is a steep hill” by my house.

Another kick to the crotch from lady luck was the fact that my boyfriend, whom I was the ONLY one in contact with while sick, DIDN'T EVEN GET IT!!!! I know that is a GOOD thing but COME ON! He got the regular flu but not the "special flu". Fuck you immune system, fuck you.

I feel loads better now but the exhausting is lingering. The positive side to all this is that I think I repaid some of my sleeping debt as the bags under my eyes have dissipated a bit.

Speaking of medical maladies, I have to get a mole removed this Thursday. Le meh. I’ve had one removed before and had to get like 7 stitches because it was so large and they were worried that it was cancerous so they took a fuck ton of skin with it. But I lucked out and no cancer was found. WOOT! This mole is a bit of a concern as it went through the “OMG THIS SHOULD BE LOOKED AT” stages in less than a week.

Once again, Meh.

But because I have the bestest boyfriend in the world, he’s going to take me to Fentons after the procedure so that I can drool all over delicious ice cream. WOOT!

So yeah! The M.I.A time will hopefully lessen and I will share the many discoveries that I have made as of late!

Also, here are a few lolercat picture to make up for the lameness of this post:

These photos belong to Lolcats.

The Discovery of the Social Stigma attached to “Being in a Relationship”

K, so I know that I haven’t updated in awhile but life has been a bit nuts. Let me explain for those that read this and don’t know me:

1. I met a boy whom I liked very much and we started dating in May.
2. Things clicked so well that we jokingly said we should move in together as both of our living situations were becoming a bit stressful.
3. We moved in together in August.
4. We have been super broke so going out wasn’t really an option and inviting people to our house was kind of a no because we intermittently had a table and chairs and we don’t have a couch soooooo yeah.
5. I started school again and am taking photography and loving it. We meet twice a week.
6. Something may be wrong with my body as I am tired all the time and suddenly unable to consume alcohol a majority of the time. I be getting tests done. The Doctors are 70% sure that it’s NOT my medication as I’ve been on it for almost a year now and this has never happened.
7. Now that I’m on ADD meds I can actually concentrate at work and am attempting to make up for my YEARS of incompetence. *A note about my job* I have a job that can be considered a “career” so it requires a lot of concentration and time. I say “Career” because I never went to school for it and I honestly created the job myself. It didn’t exist until I started working there.
8. Le boy and I have had to make multiple trips to goodwill to drop off stuff that we don’t need and we’ve made a tip to the dump (which was interesting as we got lost…) which is pretty much an all day thing because we have to load it up, drive, unload it, drop the car off, walk up a huge fucking hill to get home and try not to collapse…
9. I had a HUGE event for work in August that kept me at work till 8 almost every night and we’re still recovering from it and need to start setting up for next years big event.

Ok, now to get to the nitty gritty. I was unaware of how different people act towards you when you are in a relationship and automatically assume that your lack of presence at certain events is because you are in a relationship. A lot of my friends stopped inviting me out or complained that they never saw me EVEN THOUGH I made an effort to see them at least twice a week. I am still me. I am still a separate person. I can go out alone. I can still help my single friends by being a “wingman”. I am still only a phone call away for those who need me. I am still me. Just because I now have a boyfriend doesn’t mean that will never leave my house without him or never leave my house in general.

To be honest it kind of hurts. Fuck it, to be honest it REALLY hurts. Yes I am aware that I haven’t been going to the bar every night but that’s because of the reasons above but please still invite me out. I may be able to! I hear about all these dinners and nights out and when I ask why I wasn’t invited the reply usually is “Oh, I didn’t think you’d come.” Ok, can we all agree that NO ONE CAN ATTEND EVERY EVENT THEY ARE INVITED TO? What’s even more frustrating is when I try and invite people to stuff I’m going to they’re not interested…. then DON’T SAY THAT YOU NEVER SEE ME!

Geeeezz.

I am aware that this is a rant but I’m just so tired of being excluded while being told that I never come out. I’m sorry but my body is being weird and I just moved so we’re still sorting through things. We’ve been broke as shit so even if we wanted to go out sometimes it hasn’t been an option.

Tomorrow we’re going to ikea to get a table, chairs, a couch, a dresser, a desk, a bookshelf, and a few other necessities so expect invites for dinner and a movie.

I’m sorry I’ve been absent, but I promise it’s not just cause I’m with a boy!!! And also life happens yo! Le monies suck!

So there.

Slacker Envy

I’ve always been envious of those that discover their passion at a young age. It gives them decades to refine their talents and when I discover their work I kinda get the “What’s the point?” attitude because they’re far more advanced and I feel as thought I’d never catch up. Methinks a majority of it depends on if they were encouraged to create. I could never focus on just one thing so my parents didn’t really support my talents because they figured I’d quit after I got bored. Unfortunately they were correct many a time. I get bored so very quickly (hrmmm could it be because I have ADHD? lol) and my lack of self discipline doesn’t help. My fiddle has been practically SCREAMING at me to pick it up and play. I never feel that I have enough time anymore.

Yes, I know, I know. I need to MAKE time. Hmph. Baby steps… baby steps.

Anyway, the catalyst for my self admonition:


I’ve know about this artist for awhile and I want to share her work because it is absolutely amazing. I have never been in to porcelain dolls. I never saw the point of owning something you couldn’t touch. After discovering this woman’s website I finally understand. To buy one of her dolls is to own a piece of beauty. Her name is Marina Bychkova. She was born in South-West Siberia and migrated to Canada when she was 14. This girl started making dolls at the age of 11 (paper and fabric) and was selling them to her classmates when she was 12.

Yeah. Who feels like a slacker?

Her website is: The Enchanted Doll. She focuses on the seedy underbellies of fairytales. Example-She has a doll whose name is Necrophilia. Guess which fairytale character she represents? Snow White. For some weird reason it never really registered that when the Prince kissed Snow White SHE WAS DEAD.

A collective "ewwwwwwww" please?

Here are some of my favorites:









You NEED to visit her website and check out her other dolls. Another amazing thing is SHE photographs them. Hopefully I won’t get in trouble for having some of these photos up as I DO NOT OWN THEM. I only want to show how beautiful her creations are.

She hand paints them, moulds them, designs and makes the clothing/ jewelry that they wear, and pretty much has dedicated her LIFE to doing this. I need to discover/refine a talent. I’ve got to have at least one… right?? I wish I could just concentrate on one passion…. le meh.

Yeah yeah, I know I KNOW. Baby steps.

hmph

Fuck Fuzio

I have discovered that Fuzio is place I shall never return to as my stomach wants to punch the face of whoever was in charge of cooking my meal. J, B, S and I went there for dinner last night and when I returned home I was reintroduced to the fetal position and popped tums like they were M&M’s.

Sad

Panda

Because of my indigestion/food poisoning/angry elves kicking the shit out of my stomach, I missed a goodbye party for two English ladies I had become acquainted with who are returning to London.

Sad

Panda

Also, apparently I was too eager in nourishing myself today with deciding to eat a pickle. This must have cause a riot with the elves because my stomach proceeded to yell at me and is now sending threats of re-familiarizing me with my partially digested lunch.

Not fun.

So, the discovery of the day is: Fuck Fuzio. And to them I say:

But all is not lost for my Fourth was spent watching the finest of SF's amateur fireworks from a beautiful rooftop view. Though for a bit M, S and I were convinced the world was ending due to the amount of screaming and sirens that surrounded us.

Good times, good times.

A Taste… er View of the Future!

Absent from my own blog again? Pffffffffffffft, nevvvvvvvver. *loosens collar nervously*

Anyway! Onword ho to new stuff and new things. Ze format of zis blog vill be changing a bit. I will try my damnedest to actually keep it updated at least 3 times a week (my new laptop will aide in this endeavor) and it shall actually be about stuff and things that I discover.

*GASP*

I know, how very surprising. So, here is the first taste of it. Oh, and sidenote. I do hope I do not get sued as I will be putting stuff from other sites on here… BUT THEY WILL GET CREDIT! Also, for future reference, I am a broke ass ho. Glad we cleared that up.

Ok, ze new discovery! Well… I kinda discovered this like 2 months ago but I’m trying to make up for lost time.

(212): i want you now
(916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

(404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
(1-404): Two?
(404): Two.

(818): I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

(402): I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

(715): Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.

(310): hey what are you doing
(310): hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
(310): i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic

(540): Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed

This wonderful little gems are from a fantastic site called www.textsfromlastnight.com If you’re bored or feeling bad about your life, just go the site, read, and you shall discover that your life isn’t nearly as bad as you think. Or at least they will make you giggle. It’s kinda like the drunk version of www.bash.org which is another radtastic site that you should check out. Here are some quotes from IRC (if that doesn’t prove my geekness I don’t know what does…) Samples:

Donut[AFK]> HEY EURAKARTE
Donut[AFK]> INSULT
Eurakarte> RETORT
Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-RETORT
Eurakarte> QUESTIONING OF SEXUAL PREFERENCE
Donut[AFK]> SUGGESTION TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
Eurakarte> NOTATION THAT YOU CREATE A VACUUM
Donut[AFK]> RIPOSTE
Donut[AFK]> ADDON RIPOSTE
Eurakarte> COUNTER-RIPOSTE
Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-COUNTER RIPOSTE
Eurakarte> NONSENSICAL STATEMENT INVOLVING PLANKTON
Miles_Prower> RESPONSE TO RANDOM STATEMENT AND THREAT TO BAN OPPOSING SIDES
Eurakarte> WORDS OF PRAISE FOR FISHFOOD
Miles_Prower> ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTENCE OF TERMS

Zybl0re> get up
Zybl0re> get on up
Zybl0re> get up
Zybl0re> get on up
phxl|paper> and DANCE
* nmp3bot dances :D-<
* nmp3bot dances :D|-<
* nmp3bot dances :D/-<
[SA]HatfulOfHollow> i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right


lol. Hopefully this provided a discovery of new entertainment and lead to a gaggle of giggles.

WOOT!

Long Ago

I wrote this stuff a long time ago but never showed anyone because they were so personal. But while in MN a lot of synapses a fired at once and now...

Fuck it. It's how I feel/felt. Time to express it.

Some of these are/were songs so they can be a bit rhymey but who cares.

Feedback would be kewl.

Where did you come from?
And just when I was ready
Where did you go?

The tree beside you was dipping
Trying to take your soul
I fell deep in to this story
Of a land from long ago

Oh
Where did you come from
and just when I was ready
Where did you go?



In my scared silence I'll sing to you with hollow bones
My heart has naught to offer 'cept a reflection of thine own
I wander aimlessly down this path of false hope
With a marred smile twisted on my lips
My face now only knows one expression
For the rest are too vulnerable to bare
It's hard to cry when a salt has dammed the ducts
The disdain in your eyes has made this clear
I am nothing to you, and never was.



Dark shades of blue
remind me that I am nothing, nothing to you
tears fill my brim
they cry, you are nothing, nothing to him
So I long for the black
For it sings, you're not, you're not coming back
Because when a heart shatters, only time can heal
But when the spirit goes there's not time to spare



Hollow boy, where did you get those eyes?
I must admit, it took me by surprise
that you remembered, you remembered my name
I thought, well I believed
that I was just another broken doll for you to leave
See I thought, no I believed
that i could fill you, I could fill you with my love
silly me, silly me to think that was enough
But now you're back, you're back to take some more
well I'm sorry to disappoint, and I'm sorry to bore
But there is nothing, nothing for you to take anymore
See now I'm hollow, I'm hollow with only songs
to remind me, to remind me of what is gone.



Hello, ball and chain.
Good to know your back again
thanks for the memory
of a sad and weaker shade of me
It comforts me still
to know that I made my own living hell
Cause when you were in charge
of something that heavy
i realized that salvation was in me
Goodbye ball and chain
I'll wear your scars with pride
to show the world I didn't hide



Trapped in my own skin
entangled again
I don't know where to begin
to unweave the web I’m in



tick tock things and silken strings tie me to you, release my lever while I untie my tether and separate we shall go.

So yeah. From long ago but some what applies to now. *shuffles nervously* holy vulnerable I feel. lol

We're All In This Together

Below is the language from a card that my friend Emily gave me for my birthday. She said it reminded her of something I’d write. I wholeheartedly agree and am pissed for not doing it first. Le sigh

According to Einstein, all things living and non-living are made of a mass, which we call matter, and the mass of a physical object and the energy it contains are, in fact, interchangeable along the formula E=MC². Which essentially concludes that matter is nothing more than a form of light, and that humans are, essentially the same thing as eels, rats, bears, chairs, dung or sashimi. On that note, it could be said that eels, rats, bears, chairs, dung, and sashimi should all have birthdays too.

Hey, we’re all in this together.

Le true, no? Now lets all hold hands and sing It's a Small World After All.

Just cause.

Update

For those of you that follow my blog to read about how I'm dealing with being bipolar, I posted a new entry in The Discovery of the Mental Me (thats the blog I moved all my crazy posts to. lol)

For those of you that are reading because you want to giggle at my weird ass shenanigans, I'm sorry but I don't have it in me to really write fun stuff right now.

Ch-Ch-Changes

So, I’ve been thinking (ha, that’s funny regarding this post) that perhaps this blog has been focused far too much on introspection. Since the name hints at external adventures and discoveries, methinks I will move all of my self shizzy to a new blog and only write about interesting occurrences on this one because I’d like to give people an example of my writing without the Debbie Downer theme song playing.

Soooo I’ll be moving my heavier posts over there and keeping my amusing ones here. So those that are following my mental journey, join me at The Discovery of the Mental Me. Those that want to see how I view the world and read about my random adventures and amusing observations (that could be the same thing as how I see the world…. whatever…. lol). I was going to create a website but.. I be a broke ass ho and blogger is free. So there.

One more so, I will be whoring the hell out of this blog to get my writing out there and the other one will prolly be more of a wallflower that you can poke if you’d like to see where my brain is at.

Yay for first steps, new adventures and new introspections. Join me on my journeys if you like. I assure you many will be interesting… or weird as hell… lol

Review - January 2009

I've decided that I'm going to start doing a monthly review with my muni passes as my headers just for fun.

So, January .... yeah not the best month. Quite a rocky way to bring in the New Year as my purse was stolen and I have broken every one of my resolutions. I'm trying to not beat myself up over that but what can I say, I'm a masochist. But I do believe that a few good things came out of the month.

• I definitely improved my level of patience as I probably racked up about 8 hours of time on the phone with t-mobile trying to get my phone, get my phone to work, exchanging my phone because the camera wouldn't work and changing my plan.
• I had my first fiddle lesson and discovered that it will also help with my patience as I start in 4/4 time and then speed it up to... whatever comes after that.
  
• Had some mental breakthroughs which led me to face some not so pleasant things that occurred in my past. I am now on the road to accepting them, retraining my brain to not follow the path of pessimism and trying to deal with my body issues.
• I learned to let go of my ideas of who people were and actually allowed myself to see who they really are.
• Allowed myself to breakdown in front of someone and let them see me cry... after I eventually pulled the hood of my sweatshirt down lol.
• I am becoming more comfortable with singing my own words and I try not to mimic the artists that I usually like to sing along with and just keep my own tone.
  
• Started school and so far no mental breakdowns lol.
  
• Did not have one panic or anxiety attack.
  
• I am beginning to understand what a normal "high" and "low" are.
• I am trying to breakdown the many walls and barriers I've put up. It's a slow process as I am doing it one brick at a time but I'm trying and that's all that matters.
• I am determined to stay focused at work. I'm doing much better than I used to but I still need to improve that.
  
• I began to force myself to look into a mirror and not cringe or focus on traits that I dislike.
  
• I've begun to cook at home and bring my leftovers to work.
  
• I'm beginning to set small goals for myself and not flog myself if I don't fulfill them. Rather, I try and focus more on fulfilling the same goal instead of just giving up all together.
  

Hrmm. That's all I can think of for now but I think that's a pretty good list. I know this post is a little late as it's February 9th (it's going to be a full moon people, prepare for madness) but I'll try and update at the end of the month from now on.

So yeah. There's my review. The end.

Possibly TMI or Possible Giggles - You Have Been Warned

Okeydoke folks this may repulse you but it also may make you giggle. I'm really, really hoping for the latter. This post has been on my mind for some time but I feel the need to actually write it out due to my annoyance level rising because my Google phone does not work yet. AH HA.

Bathroom Etiquette - common sense, no?

Well, not in my building. Boys, I will warn you when you may want to avert your eyes from a certain part of this post but it’s not that bad, and if you do, you are immediately placed into the category of LAME.

Ok, first off. When you walk in to a bathroom and you see that a door is completely closed and feet underneath the door CLEARLY indicating that someone is occupying that stall, do you push as hard as you can on the door? Simple answer = no, right? Not in my work building. I have had to tell woman “SOMEONE’S IN HERE” many a time. Stupid, yes? This has happened multiple times and I’m suspecting that it’s the same woman.

Secondly, when did people start claiming stalls? The women on my floor ALWAYS go into the same stall and indignantly huff when it’s occupied…. it’s a stall, with the same fricken layout as the one next to it. *Sidenote* There are only three stalls in our bathroom, one being a handicap stall.

Thirdly, am I the only one that gets uncomfortable when I am the only one in the bathroom and some sits in the stall right next to me? It’s especially weird when they release a sound similar to a cat clawing its way out of their ass. Due to the fact that I am sooooo mature, I have to stifle my giggles due to the unwritten rule that girls must NEVER make noise in the bathroom. Even I get all weird about it when someone walks in and clamp up while silently cursing the woman for just being there. ESPECIALLY if they only came in to 1 Fix their hair and make up, while humming. 2. Brush their teeth 3 Shake the world with their defecation or 4. Wash dishes. As soon as they leave, the meows begin again.

Fourthly, has anyone ever heard of a fucking COURTESY FLUSH? I mean, seriously. Walking in to the bog of eternal stench is not fun. Not fun at all. Also, don’t you hate it when it already smells when you walk in, then someone else walks in and you wish you could proclaim “That wretched stench IS NOT FROM ME!” Especially when you both end up washing your hands at the sink, at the same time. Or if the foul odor is indeed from you, the urge to lie silently jumps up your throat.

Fifthly, flush.the.fucking.toliet. SERIOUSLY WTF? We have those automatic flushers on our la trines which sucks because before you even still down the damn thing flushes, yet, when you stand up… nothing. But, if you use your wondrous powers of observation, you’ll notice there is a little button that you can press that will make the porcelain contraption cleanse itself. But do the women on my floor do that? Nope.

Sixthly (boys avert your eyes). We had a “little problem” with someone leaving remnants of Aunt Flow on the toilet… then it spread to the floor, then the wall. Our building managers actually had to step in and put signs all over the bathroom letting Bloody Mary know that she had to cut that shit out asap. How fucked is that? That’s like… goatse fucked up. If you don’t know what that is, you are not a true geek. BUT DON’T LOOK IT UP BECAUSE IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

Seventh, if your toilet liner falls on the floor, pick the fucking thing UP. It was your arse that touched is so why are you scared to touch it once more? Seriously?

Eighth, WHY OH WHY does the janitor decide to clean the bathroom 2 seconds after I enter it? Feeling rushed to pee is never fun. Or if your ass is meowing, it’s embarrassing to leave the bathroom knowing that they will know that you had garlic the night before.

These are a few peeves that I’ve conjured up but I’m sure there are more. But I do believe this is good for the moment. So yeah…. have a good day and enjoy your bathroom experience. Or buy some air freshener so that you can 1 breath 2 use it as a weapon when a woman is trying to break in to your stall.

That is all.

lol

Leaving Flighty in the Cage

Yo.

I know I’ve been M.I.A for a week or so but I’ve been trying to gather the things that I lost. I’m finally getting a phone on Friday, I made new copies of my keys, I’ve been to the DMV (shudder) to get a new license and have yet to receive my atm card (grrrrrr). However, I did receive my new credit card so woo woo for that! After saying that, there is a certain someone that will probably feel guilt wash over them. STOP IT!!!!!!!!!! *smack*

Anyway, onward ho to the title of this blog - Leaving Flighty in the Cage.

Flighty
1. Given to capricious or unstable behavior.
2. Characterized by irresponsible or silly behavior.
2. Easily excited; skittish.

This was me to a tee; hence the eventually unraveling of my sanity. I lived in a vicious loop of realizing these incredible epiphanies and losing them the very next day. Instability was my bread and butter. Everything I deduce now has been bouncing around in my head for ages. My good friend Troy can vouch for that. I have always been very aware of my flaws, always. Or at least, what I thought were flaws. But ever since I’ve sought help and started medication something new has happened.

I slowed down.

Everything in my head has slowed down. In the past I HAD to multi task to get anything done. Concentration was an elusive thing. People would marvel at my rapid fire tangents and become annoyed with my constant digressions. I would never re-read anything I wrote, I would never really go in depth about anything because I just couldn’t. My brain was moving too fast. I would breeze through books and skim the details on everything. Basically I knew a little bit about a lot of things. But that's all changed. Now, in order to concentrate I have to focus on only a few things at once. At first this scared the hell out of me. I thought rapid thinking was part of me, that other people loved that quality about me. I thought it made me, me. But really, a speedy brain hindered me in the most important way. I couldn’t remember my realizations on life because they would get caught in my undertow and I’d move on to something else.

I can’t describe how wonderful it is to think at a slower pace. As I am adjusting to my meds, I am unearthing my buried epiphanies and forcing myself to really FEEL past hurts in order to move on; I found the real me. I found the girl that doesn’t need to put on a show to try and please people. I found the girl that didn’t have to start conversations with a self deprecating comment in order to propell it. I can still make people laugh just as hard with out acting like a tard (YAY! A rhyme!) on purpose. I am eccentric but I don’t have to worry if what I say is too odd because fuck it, it’s me. I am a nerd, a geek, a dork and I revel in it.

Some people believe that I’ve always been like this. But what they never realized was when I was alone in my room, I’d go over EVERYTHING I said and beat myself up if I said a stupid comment or worry that people didn’t like me and just kept me around as amusement; to ridicule me after I left. I used my silly behavior as a shield. I spent an irresponsible amount of money on other people and I usually would have no money to put into savings or spend on myself. I felt like I had to make up for this hole in me, that if they really knew me they’d leave. Hence the constant stream of thoughts; it was a distraction. Now that I’ve slowed down I remember and employ the things I’ve always known.

I have always been incredibly aware of what’s going on around me but now it’s also turned inward. I have become more self aware then ever before, but now it is a more whole self awareness. I no longer only recognize my flaws; I try and fix them. I finally recognize the bits of me that are pretty amazing. I recognize that I am strong, that I am genuinely good person even if I don’t constantly put others before myself, that some part of me is beautiful and amazing because why else would people say it if it wasn’t true? I don’t have to hide any part of myself anymore because if someone doesn’t like me, they’ll tell me. I refuse to constantly wonder if people like me. It’s exhausting and now that my thoughts are no longer racing, my brain is all “Dude let me introduce you to logic. I think you two will become the best of friends.”

An example of that happened today. I did something that I had never done before. There was an attractive guy walking down the street and I held eye contact with him and smiled. He smiled back. I used to be so incredibly skittish around guys that I couldn’t even LOOK at them. But fuck it. A guy wouldn’t ask me out if he didn’t like me. If he doesn’t like me, big deal - that just means we’re not well suited. It doesn’t mean that I’m lacking something. I may not have the traits he wants but that doesn’t mean I need to acquire them in order for ALL guys to like me. I can smile at a guy; it’s just a fricken smile. It’s not like when they pass they’ll sneer at me and scream “DON’T LOOK AT ME.” Well… at least the sane ones won’t. lol I may still be skittish for awhile, but I'm getting better and that's all that matters. The past is something I can't change and something I won't cling to anymore.

I have stepped out of the cage I placed myself in. Bye flighty and bars. Streching my wings feels pretty damn good and I have no intention of ever locking myself up again.

I know I’ve written about these subjects before but its part of making myself remember. It’s part of the retraining of my brain. It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks I’m awesome, because I know I am. WOOOT! lol

\(^o^)/

It's the Little Things

Ok, so, there is this place near I work that offers a free lunch to anyone that can guess the weight of their container (its buffet style but awesomer). I usually NEVER guess but today I thought “What the hell?”. A random number popped in my head - 1.21 and instead of over-analyzing it I just went with it.

Holy medusa’s nipples I was RIGHT!

So I received a free lunch!

BOO-YA!

I know this sounds lame BUT I think I’m on my way to actually trusting my first instinct rather than freaking out and not trusting myself. It could also be the universe’s way of saying “Uhhh yeah, so about Saturday… sorry…” lol.

It’s the little things that make me smile and matter the most to me because it seems that most people don’t stop to appreciate them.

BOO-YA!

That is all.

What I Think

Ok, first off I will warn you: this post is prompted by a dramedy. But you know what, I really don't give a shit. To all those that scoff at the idea of some fluffy story is stupid because it wasn't written by a dead author or a “great” writer: you're narrow minded. Everyone interprets things differently. Something you read and love I may hate. Something I love you may hate.

That's life.

I appreciate EVERY story. No matter how bad, how cheesy. It's a piece of someone that they've put out. This applies even to the stories I don't like, whether they be movies or books. It's still something that was created from someone's mind. But people are moved and love different things and yeah, this super cheesy movie actually clicked some light bulbs on for me.

Ok. So here goes. The movie was P.S I Love You. Yes, it's that movie with Hilary Swank and Gerald Butler.

Moving on.

There will be spoilers and stuff BUT anyone who's watched the trailer knows that Gerald Butler's character dies almost immediately. The movie is about his widow (Hilary Swank) and the letters she receives from him after he's dead. The letters encourage her to move on, to let go, but softly. From what the movie shows, they were in love. LOVE love. The kind that I thought only movies show. The kind that makes me bitter, the kind I say will never happen but secretly hope it will. It also focuses on moving on. Something I am really, really not good at. A good friend said something very true and I refused to acknowledge for a long time. She said that perhaps I'm unhappy and expect the worse is because that's comfortable. I only know how to accept the bad because I did for a very long time so it's the first thing I look for, the first thing I understand.

It's true.

It's my comfort zone. It's easy for me to think other people don't like me. That they secretly hate me because in the past it's happened. But that's just it, it's the past right; I can't change it. Take last night for example. My purse got stolen. If that's my biggest trouble.... I am really fucking lucky. So I lost some money, a phone and some other really trivial shit. Whooppppdeeedo. It's in the past, why dwell on it? I can't change it, I can't constantly blame myself or be angry at the person who took it because it happened. It's done. No shoulda, woulda, couldas can bring it back. Anyway, that isn't what this post is about. It's about being alone. In the end, after she receives that last letter, she breaks down and comes to terms with the fact that he is gone, but she also realizes that she's alone, but not alone. In the end, we're all alone, so we're all together on that. Yes, you will love someone, yes you will have friends. But they can't complete you; that's impossible. The only person that can take an action is yourself. People can encourage you but they can't force you to do something for yourself. That's a step that you alone have to take.

To me that's daunting.

I realize that in that way, I am very similar to my mother. I never want to take an action on my own, no action without direction because I need something to fall back on. I need a reason why it failed. I think that's why it's so hard for me to play the guitar or sing. If I do it badly, it's on me no one else. It takes practice. I can't read any directions that will magically and automatically make me good. I can learn it, but I have to LEARN it. Some one can help me but in the end I am the one that has the power to become good at it. I have to be the one to step out of my comfort zone, no one can drag me out of it. In the movie, most of his letters were about encouraging her to live and follow her dreams. That she can do that without him because it's all in her.

I have loved, I have lost that love therefore I'll find something else. As for my mom. That's tricky. I think... no, I know that she affects me because I am looking for that source of comfort that we all look for as a child; when we are still unable to be completely alone. But as we get older, we need to find it in ourselves. I can't hate her because I don't love myself or because I can not comfort myself. Yes, she may not have taught me how to do that BUT it's something that I still have to learn. It's not something she can just throw in me. I have to learn it. I have to learn a lot of things and that's fine. I keep thinking that it's too late because I feel that so many other people already have that knowledge, that I'm so behind... oh look, I'm looking for an excuse; a set of directions to follow so I can blame something for my lack of knowledge but I can't because I can STILL learn it.

When I was first diagnosed I thought I could blame a majority of my actions on being bipolar and yes some of the things I do I really can't control. But there are a lot of things that I can control and can't blame on the disorder. I can change the way I think. As I've said before, the medication does NOT alter how you think, rather, it subdues the way you feel so that instead of emotion taking over, logic can. So that when I want to scratch myself, when I want to smash a mirror, when I look longingly at a bridge or rushing cars, my emotions aren't the first thing I act on, because they are temporary; they do not last. But logic does. It's what makes us eat, work, laugh, create. Yes, emotions help in creativity but if you rely on them you'll never really be able to finish anything as they are temporary. Unless you start a project and only return to it when you feel a certain emotion. But that would take years to complete and would you ever feel that it's whole because that emotion will never end, so how can anything based on that be finished? Right now, the thing I really feel I can create are stories and my stories change with how I feel. I can never just write a complete story in one mood because when I go back and edit it I'm all “whooooooooooooooooa Heather, that's a bit heavy and makes no sense”.

I refused to accept that anything was wrong with me because I am constantly looking to others for how I live my life. I thought that maybe I was just doing it wrong so I would punish myself. I seek approval from almost everyone else before I take a step. Hence why I am terrified of people not liking me. I'm scared that I'll do something wrong... lol but how can I? It's my life. It ridiculous because I do this even down to the music I listen to. I have over 40 gigs of music but never listen to the old music because I feel that I need something new, I need to be caught up with everyone on the latest thing.

Pffffffffffffffft.

No, I don't know record labels, no, I don't know directors, no I can't tell you about all the technical aspects of music and movies. I can only tell you about how I feel about them, the story I get out of them because that's what I do. I feel. I usually feel too much but I know have meds that help that. Lol.

So yeah, call this movie horrid, call it an abomination but fuck it. I liked it. I got something out of it.

Isn't that all that matters? Yeah, it is.

MOTHERFUCKINGCUNTBAG aka My Purse Was Stolen

Hello everyone. It's 3:26 AM on a fuckatacular Sunday.

My purse was stolen about 2 and a half hours ago.

How much do I hate thieves?

I would like to cut open their stomachs, pull their intestines out and boil them while the victim is alive and make them tell me everything they've ever done wrong; Goonies style.

I

Fucking

Hate

Thieving

Cunt

Bags.


Yeah so my weekend has been fannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnntastic. GREAT JUST FUCKING GREAT!

What is now gone:

Phone (account now suspended as someone called from my phone right after it was stolen)

Keys (they know where I live and have my keys.... greatttttttttt)

Wallet (3 credit cards now canceled, insurance cards, dr's cards, student id, muni card, 300$ worth of gift cards, my license ... etc)

Makeup (ehhhh, don't really care about that)

Notebook with all my passwords and notes (MOTHERFUCK)

Purse (ehhh 7$ from goodwill, whatevs)

Pipe (for... tobacco....)

Meds (I hope they take all my klonopin and drink so they can die)

40+$ (all the money I had until the 14th.... ah ha...)

K. I'm going to bed and going to wake up to continue the cancellation shizzy.

ALSO: To those who are blaming themselves. It's MY FAULT I was the one that handed it to someone else to take care of, I should have just kept it. STOP SAYING I'M SORRY!!!!!!!

*hug*

It could be worse. No one got shot and not mothers where injured.

NIGHT!

MOTHERFUCKINGTHIEVINGCUNTBAGS

oh yeah, one more thing, MY MP3 PLAYER WAS IN THERE.....WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Because it Seems Quite a Few People are in Need of a Giggle

*Yo! These pictures DO NOT BELONG TO ME. They belong to http://icanhascheezburger.com/

I just love them and want to make people laugh. Please don't sue me as I am a broke ass ho. Thank you*

Lol I'm sure the lady I put this up for will at least smile... I hope....

How true is this?

Because would that be fricken AWESOME if that happened?

Sigh, sad but true.

I feel this whenever anyone points out my misuse of commas or words. Shhhhhh I am well aware of my tragic grammar.
*edited for Xantraun, because he is a buttswisher.

Because I laughed so hard at this my boss had to come out and investigate and ended up laughing just as hard.

Because Prop 8 is bullshit.

Well, I hope at least some of you snickered or giggled just a bit! Happy Thursday!

Say Goodbye to 2000 HATE!

So I have a whole bunch of ideas for blogs but I really wanted to write the obligatory end of the year blog.

This really has been the year of 2000 hate for me. I have hated myself more this year, done more damaging things to myself and let others stomp all over me than ever before. Because of this I refuse to make the following promise empty:

It's shan't happen again.

Por Que?

1. I am forcing myself to type that I am awesome. Because gosh darn it, people like me. Lol
2. I am starting to realize that I can do whatever I want. Yes I know that sounds strange but I never really went outside the lines I was drawn into until now. And let me just say.... the free space, the gray area is FUCKING AWESOME!!!! Terrifying, but amazing!
3. I am applying my philosophy on dancing to the rest of the world : Who the fuck cares? Everyone dances differently. Just like everyone LIVES differently. I will not waste anymore time longing for a different life, instead, I'm going to do the logical thing and change my own life. WOOOO
4. I shall manage my money better so that I can travel and collect the experiences I want.
5. I am going to figure what I'm going to school for and study abroad.
   

And blahity blah, more resolutions. I'm not going to type them all out. I'm just going to DO them. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I'll be writing a far more interesting blog in the next couple of days but for now, sit back, chillax and wave goodbye to another year while hugging the new year in.

2009 SHALL BE FANTASTICAL.

It shall, it shall. And you'll be reading why. HA!

Happy New Year peeps!

Also, what song could be better than this one to bring in the new year? ;)