For those of you that follow my blog to read about how I'm dealing with being bipolar, I posted a new entry in The Discovery of the Mental Me (thats the blog I moved all my crazy posts to. lol)
For those of you that are reading because you want to giggle at my weird ass shenanigans, I'm sorry but I don't have it in me to really write fun stuff right now.
March 30, 2009
March 6, 2009
Ch-Ch-Changes
So, I’ve been thinking (ha, that’s funny regarding this post) that perhaps this blog has been focused far too much on introspection. Since the name hints at external adventures and discoveries, methinks I will move all of my self shizzy to a new blog and only write about interesting occurrences on this one because I’d like to give people an example of my writing without the Debbie Downer theme song playing.
Soooo I’ll be moving my heavier posts over there and keeping my amusing ones here. So those that are following my mental journey, join me at The Discovery of the Mental Me. Those that want to see how I view the world and read about my random adventures and amusing observations (that could be the same thing as how I see the world…. whatever…. lol). I was going to create a website but.. I be a broke ass ho and blogger is free. So there.
One more so, I will be whoring the hell out of this blog to get my writing out there and the other one will prolly be more of a wallflower that you can poke if you’d like to see where my brain is at.
Yay for first steps, new adventures and new introspections. Join me on my journeys if you like. I assure you many will be interesting… or weird as hell… lol
Soooo I’ll be moving my heavier posts over there and keeping my amusing ones here. So those that are following my mental journey, join me at The Discovery of the Mental Me. Those that want to see how I view the world and read about my random adventures and amusing observations (that could be the same thing as how I see the world…. whatever…. lol). I was going to create a website but.. I be a broke ass ho and blogger is free. So there.
One more so, I will be whoring the hell out of this blog to get my writing out there and the other one will prolly be more of a wallflower that you can poke if you’d like to see where my brain is at.
Yay for first steps, new adventures and new introspections. Join me on my journeys if you like. I assure you many will be interesting… or weird as hell… lol
February 9, 2009
Review - January 2009
I've decided that I'm going to start doing a monthly review with my muni passes as my headers just for fun.
So, January .... yeah not the best month. Quite a rocky way to bring in the New Year as my purse was stolen and I have broken every one of my resolutions. I'm trying to not beat myself up over that but what can I say, I'm a masochist. But I do believe that a few good things came out of the month.
- I definitely improved my level of patience as I probably racked up about 8 hours of time on the phone with t-mobile trying to get my phone, get my phone to work, exchanging my phone because the camera wouldn't work and changing my plan.
- I had my first fiddle lesson and discovered that it will also help with my patience as I start in 4/4 time and then speed it up to... whatever comes after that.
- Had some mental breakthroughs which led me to face some not so pleasant things that occurred in my past. I am now on the road to accepting them, retraining my brain to not follow the path of pessimism and trying to deal with my body issues.
- I learned to let go of my ideas of who people were and actually allowed myself to see who they really are.
- Allowed myself to breakdown in front of someone and let them see me cry... after I eventually pulled the hood of my sweatshirt down lol.
- I am becoming more comfortable with singing my own words and I try not to mimic the artists that I usually like to sing along with and just keep my own tone.
- Started school and so far no mental breakdowns lol.
- Did not have one panic or anxiety attack.
- I am beginning to understand what a normal "high" and "low" are.
- I am trying to breakdown the many walls and barriers I've put up. It's a slow process as I am doing it one brick at a time but I'm trying and that's all that matters.
- I am determined to stay focused at work. I'm doing much better than I used to but I still need to improve that.
- I began to force myself to look into a mirror and not cringe or focus on traits that I dislike.
- I've begun to cook at home and bring my leftovers to work.
- I'm beginning to set small goals for myself and not flog myself if I don't fulfill them. Rather, I try and focus more on fulfilling the same goal instead of just giving up all together.
Hrmm. That's all I can think of for now but I think that's a pretty good list. I know this post is a little late as it's February 9th (it's going to be a full moon people, prepare for madness) but I'll try and update at the end of the month from now on.
So yeah. There's my review. The end.
So yeah. There's my review. The end.
January 28, 2009
Possibly TMI or Possible Giggles - You Have Been Warned
Okeydoke folks this may repulse you but it also may make you giggle. I'm really, really hoping for the latter. This post has been on my mind for some time but I feel the need to actually write it out due to my annoyance level rising because my Google phone does not work yet. AH HA.
Bathroom Etiquette - common sense, no?
Well, not in my building. Boys, I will warn you when you may want to avert your eyes from a certain part of this post but it’s not that bad, and if you do, you are immediately placed into the category of LAME.
Ok, first off. When you walk in to a bathroom and you see that a door is completely closed and feet underneath the door CLEARLY indicating that someone is occupying that stall, do you push as hard as you can on the door? Simple answer = no, right? Not in my work building. I have had to tell woman “SOMEONE’S IN HERE” many a time. Stupid, yes? This has happened multiple times and I’m suspecting that it’s the same woman.
Secondly, when did people start claiming stalls? The women on my floor ALWAYS go into the same stall and indignantly huff when it’s occupied…. it’s a stall, with the same fricken layout as the one next to it. *Sidenote* There are only three stalls in our bathroom, one being a handicap stall.
Thirdly, am I the only one that gets uncomfortable when I am the only one in the bathroom and some sits in the stall right next to me? It’s especially weird when they release a sound similar to a cat clawing its way out of their ass. Due to the fact that I am sooooo mature, I have to stifle my giggles due to the unwritten rule that girls must NEVER make noise in the bathroom. Even I get all weird about it when someone walks in and clamp up while silently cursing the woman for just being there. ESPECIALLY if they only came in to 1 Fix their hair and make up, while humming. 2. Brush their teeth 3 Shake the world with their defecation or 4. Wash dishes. As soon as they leave, the meows begin again.
Fourthly, has anyone ever heard of a fucking COURTESY FLUSH? I mean, seriously. Walking in to the bog of eternal stench is not fun. Not fun at all. Also, don’t you hate it when it already smells when you walk in, then someone else walks in and you wish you could proclaim “That wretched stench IS NOT FROM ME!” Especially when you both end up washing your hands at the sink, at the same time. Or if the foul odor is indeed from you, the urge to lie silently jumps up your throat.
Fifthly, flush.the.fucking.toliet. SERIOUSLY WTF? We have those automatic flushers on our la trines which sucks because before you even still down the damn thing flushes, yet, when you stand up… nothing. But, if you use your wondrous powers of observation, you’ll notice there is a little button that you can press that will make the porcelain contraption cleanse itself. But do the women on my floor do that? Nope.
Sixthly (boys avert your eyes). We had a “little problem” with someone leaving remnants of Aunt Flow on the toilet… then it spread to the floor, then the wall. Our building managers actually had to step in and put signs all over the bathroom letting Bloody Mary know that she had to cut that shit out asap. How fucked is that? That’s like… goatse fucked up. If you don’t know what that is, you are not a true geek. BUT DON’T LOOK IT UP BECAUSE IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.
Seventh, if your toilet liner falls on the floor, pick the fucking thing UP. It was your arse that touched is so why are you scared to touch it once more? Seriously?
Eighth, WHY OH WHY does the janitor decide to clean the bathroom 2 seconds after I enter it? Feeling rushed to pee is never fun. Or if your ass is meowing, it’s embarrassing to leave the bathroom knowing that they will know that you had garlic the night before.
These are a few peeves that I’ve conjured up but I’m sure there are more. But I do believe this is good for the moment. So yeah…. have a good day and enjoy your bathroom experience. Or buy some air freshener so that you can 1 breath 2 use it as a weapon when a woman is trying to break in to your stall.
That is all.
lol
Bathroom Etiquette - common sense, no?
Well, not in my building. Boys, I will warn you when you may want to avert your eyes from a certain part of this post but it’s not that bad, and if you do, you are immediately placed into the category of LAME.
Ok, first off. When you walk in to a bathroom and you see that a door is completely closed and feet underneath the door CLEARLY indicating that someone is occupying that stall, do you push as hard as you can on the door? Simple answer = no, right? Not in my work building. I have had to tell woman “SOMEONE’S IN HERE” many a time. Stupid, yes? This has happened multiple times and I’m suspecting that it’s the same woman.
Secondly, when did people start claiming stalls? The women on my floor ALWAYS go into the same stall and indignantly huff when it’s occupied…. it’s a stall, with the same fricken layout as the one next to it. *Sidenote* There are only three stalls in our bathroom, one being a handicap stall.
Thirdly, am I the only one that gets uncomfortable when I am the only one in the bathroom and some sits in the stall right next to me? It’s especially weird when they release a sound similar to a cat clawing its way out of their ass. Due to the fact that I am sooooo mature, I have to stifle my giggles due to the unwritten rule that girls must NEVER make noise in the bathroom. Even I get all weird about it when someone walks in and clamp up while silently cursing the woman for just being there. ESPECIALLY if they only came in to 1 Fix their hair and make up, while humming. 2. Brush their teeth 3 Shake the world with their defecation or 4. Wash dishes. As soon as they leave, the meows begin again.
Fourthly, has anyone ever heard of a fucking COURTESY FLUSH? I mean, seriously. Walking in to the bog of eternal stench is not fun. Not fun at all. Also, don’t you hate it when it already smells when you walk in, then someone else walks in and you wish you could proclaim “That wretched stench IS NOT FROM ME!” Especially when you both end up washing your hands at the sink, at the same time. Or if the foul odor is indeed from you, the urge to lie silently jumps up your throat.
Fifthly, flush.the.fucking.toliet. SERIOUSLY WTF? We have those automatic flushers on our la trines which sucks because before you even still down the damn thing flushes, yet, when you stand up… nothing. But, if you use your wondrous powers of observation, you’ll notice there is a little button that you can press that will make the porcelain contraption cleanse itself. But do the women on my floor do that? Nope.
Sixthly (boys avert your eyes). We had a “little problem” with someone leaving remnants of Aunt Flow on the toilet… then it spread to the floor, then the wall. Our building managers actually had to step in and put signs all over the bathroom letting Bloody Mary know that she had to cut that shit out asap. How fucked is that? That’s like… goatse fucked up. If you don’t know what that is, you are not a true geek. BUT DON’T LOOK IT UP BECAUSE IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.
Seventh, if your toilet liner falls on the floor, pick the fucking thing UP. It was your arse that touched is so why are you scared to touch it once more? Seriously?
Eighth, WHY OH WHY does the janitor decide to clean the bathroom 2 seconds after I enter it? Feeling rushed to pee is never fun. Or if your ass is meowing, it’s embarrassing to leave the bathroom knowing that they will know that you had garlic the night before.
These are a few peeves that I’ve conjured up but I’m sure there are more. But I do believe this is good for the moment. So yeah…. have a good day and enjoy your bathroom experience. Or buy some air freshener so that you can 1 breath 2 use it as a weapon when a woman is trying to break in to your stall.
That is all.
lol
January 21, 2009
Leaving Flighty in the Cage
Yo.
I know I’ve been M.I.A for a week or so but I’ve been trying to gather the things that I lost. I’m finally getting a phone on Friday, I made new copies of my keys, I’ve been to the DMV (shudder) to get a new license and have yet to receive my atm card (grrrrrr). However, I did receive my new credit card so woo woo for that! After saying that, there is a certain someone that will probably feel guilt wash over them. STOP IT!!!!!!!!!! *smack*
Anyway, onward ho to the title of this blog - Leaving Flighty in the Cage.
Flighty
1. Given to capricious or unstable behavior.
2. Characterized by irresponsible or silly behavior.
2. Easily excited; skittish.
This was me to a tee; hence the eventually unraveling of my sanity. I lived in a vicious loop of realizing these incredible epiphanies and losing them the very next day. Instability was my bread and butter. Everything I deduce now has been bouncing around in my head for ages. My good friend Troy can vouch for that. I have always been very aware of my flaws, always. Or at least, what I thought were flaws. But ever since I’ve sought help and started medication something new has happened.
I slowed down.
Everything in my head has slowed down. In the past I HAD to multi task to get anything done. Concentration was an elusive thing. People would marvel at my rapid fire tangents and become annoyed with my constant digressions. I would never re-read anything I wrote, I would never really go in depth about anything because I just couldn’t. My brain was moving too fast. I would breeze through books and skim the details on everything. Basically I knew a little bit about a lot of things. But that's all changed. Now, in order to concentrate I have to focus on only a few things at once. At first this scared the hell out of me. I thought rapid thinking was part of me, that other people loved that quality about me. I thought it made me, me. But really, a speedy brain hindered me in the most important way. I couldn’t remember my realizations on life because they would get caught in my undertow and I’d move on to something else.
I can’t describe how wonderful it is to think at a slower pace. As I am adjusting to my meds, I am unearthing my buried epiphanies and forcing myself to really FEEL past hurts in order to move on; I found the real me. I found the girl that doesn’t need to put on a show to try and please people. I found the girl that didn’t have to start conversations with a self deprecating comment in order to propell it. I can still make people laugh just as hard with out acting like a tard (YAY! A rhyme!) on purpose. I am eccentric but I don’t have to worry if what I say is too odd because fuck it, it’s me. I am a nerd, a geek, a dork and I revel in it.
Some people believe that I’ve always been like this. But what they never realized was when I was alone in my room, I’d go over EVERYTHING I said and beat myself up if I said a stupid comment or worry that people didn’t like me and just kept me around as amusement; to ridicule me after I left. I used my silly behavior as a shield. I spent an irresponsible amount of money on other people and I usually would have no money to put into savings or spend on myself. I felt like I had to make up for this hole in me, that if they really knew me they’d leave. Hence the constant stream of thoughts; it was a distraction. Now that I’ve slowed down I remember and employ the things I’ve always known.
I have always been incredibly aware of what’s going on around me but now it’s also turned inward. I have become more self aware then ever before, but now it is a more whole self awareness. I no longer only recognize my flaws; I try and fix them. I finally recognize the bits of me that are pretty amazing. I recognize that I am strong, that I am genuinely good person even if I don’t constantly put others before myself, that some part of me is beautiful and amazing because why else would people say it if it wasn’t true? I don’t have to hide any part of myself anymore because if someone doesn’t like me, they’ll tell me. I refuse to constantly wonder if people like me. It’s exhausting and now that my thoughts are no longer racing, my brain is all “Dude let me introduce you to logic. I think you two will become the best of friends.”
An example of that happened today. I did something that I had never done before. There was an attractive guy walking down the street and I held eye contact with him and smiled. He smiled back. I used to be so incredibly skittish around guys that I couldn’t even LOOK at them. But fuck it. A guy wouldn’t ask me out if he didn’t like me. If he doesn’t like me, big deal - that just means we’re not well suited. It doesn’t mean that I’m lacking something. I may not have the traits he wants but that doesn’t mean I need to acquire them in order for ALL guys to like me. I can smile at a guy; it’s just a fricken smile. It’s not like when they pass they’ll sneer at me and scream “DON’T LOOK AT ME.” Well… at least the sane ones won’t. lol I may still be skittish for awhile, but I'm getting better and that's all that matters. The past is something I can't change and something I won't cling to anymore.
I have stepped out of the cage I placed myself in. Bye flighty and bars. Streching my wings feels pretty damn good and I have no intention of ever locking myself up again.
I know I’ve written about these subjects before but its part of making myself remember. It’s part of the retraining of my brain. It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks I’m awesome, because I know I am. WOOOT! lol
\(^o^)/
I know I’ve been M.I.A for a week or so but I’ve been trying to gather the things that I lost. I’m finally getting a phone on Friday, I made new copies of my keys, I’ve been to the DMV (shudder) to get a new license and have yet to receive my atm card (grrrrrr). However, I did receive my new credit card so woo woo for that! After saying that, there is a certain someone that will probably feel guilt wash over them. STOP IT!!!!!!!!!! *smack*
Anyway, onward ho to the title of this blog - Leaving Flighty in the Cage.
Flighty
1. Given to capricious or unstable behavior.
2. Characterized by irresponsible or silly behavior.
2. Easily excited; skittish.
This was me to a tee; hence the eventually unraveling of my sanity. I lived in a vicious loop of realizing these incredible epiphanies and losing them the very next day. Instability was my bread and butter. Everything I deduce now has been bouncing around in my head for ages. My good friend Troy can vouch for that. I have always been very aware of my flaws, always. Or at least, what I thought were flaws. But ever since I’ve sought help and started medication something new has happened.
I slowed down.
Everything in my head has slowed down. In the past I HAD to multi task to get anything done. Concentration was an elusive thing. People would marvel at my rapid fire tangents and become annoyed with my constant digressions. I would never re-read anything I wrote, I would never really go in depth about anything because I just couldn’t. My brain was moving too fast. I would breeze through books and skim the details on everything. Basically I knew a little bit about a lot of things. But that's all changed. Now, in order to concentrate I have to focus on only a few things at once. At first this scared the hell out of me. I thought rapid thinking was part of me, that other people loved that quality about me. I thought it made me, me. But really, a speedy brain hindered me in the most important way. I couldn’t remember my realizations on life because they would get caught in my undertow and I’d move on to something else.
I can’t describe how wonderful it is to think at a slower pace. As I am adjusting to my meds, I am unearthing my buried epiphanies and forcing myself to really FEEL past hurts in order to move on; I found the real me. I found the girl that doesn’t need to put on a show to try and please people. I found the girl that didn’t have to start conversations with a self deprecating comment in order to propell it. I can still make people laugh just as hard with out acting like a tard (YAY! A rhyme!) on purpose. I am eccentric but I don’t have to worry if what I say is too odd because fuck it, it’s me. I am a nerd, a geek, a dork and I revel in it.
Some people believe that I’ve always been like this. But what they never realized was when I was alone in my room, I’d go over EVERYTHING I said and beat myself up if I said a stupid comment or worry that people didn’t like me and just kept me around as amusement; to ridicule me after I left. I used my silly behavior as a shield. I spent an irresponsible amount of money on other people and I usually would have no money to put into savings or spend on myself. I felt like I had to make up for this hole in me, that if they really knew me they’d leave. Hence the constant stream of thoughts; it was a distraction. Now that I’ve slowed down I remember and employ the things I’ve always known.
I have always been incredibly aware of what’s going on around me but now it’s also turned inward. I have become more self aware then ever before, but now it is a more whole self awareness. I no longer only recognize my flaws; I try and fix them. I finally recognize the bits of me that are pretty amazing. I recognize that I am strong, that I am genuinely good person even if I don’t constantly put others before myself, that some part of me is beautiful and amazing because why else would people say it if it wasn’t true? I don’t have to hide any part of myself anymore because if someone doesn’t like me, they’ll tell me. I refuse to constantly wonder if people like me. It’s exhausting and now that my thoughts are no longer racing, my brain is all “Dude let me introduce you to logic. I think you two will become the best of friends.”
An example of that happened today. I did something that I had never done before. There was an attractive guy walking down the street and I held eye contact with him and smiled. He smiled back. I used to be so incredibly skittish around guys that I couldn’t even LOOK at them. But fuck it. A guy wouldn’t ask me out if he didn’t like me. If he doesn’t like me, big deal - that just means we’re not well suited. It doesn’t mean that I’m lacking something. I may not have the traits he wants but that doesn’t mean I need to acquire them in order for ALL guys to like me. I can smile at a guy; it’s just a fricken smile. It’s not like when they pass they’ll sneer at me and scream “DON’T LOOK AT ME.” Well… at least the sane ones won’t. lol I may still be skittish for awhile, but I'm getting better and that's all that matters. The past is something I can't change and something I won't cling to anymore.
I have stepped out of the cage I placed myself in. Bye flighty and bars. Streching my wings feels pretty damn good and I have no intention of ever locking myself up again.
I know I’ve written about these subjects before but its part of making myself remember. It’s part of the retraining of my brain. It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks I’m awesome, because I know I am. WOOOT! lol
\(^o^)/
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