June 27, 2007

Rational vs irrational

Ok, so I figure I’m divided in two (insert cheesy Gemini jokes here). The rational part of me and the irrational part (ie.: mess). Unfortunately the irrational has a firm hold on me as of late. So much so that fricken EYE CONTACT has become a chore. For example, a couple of months ago a guy in one of my classes tried to strike up a conversation with me while waiting for the bus. Not flirting or anything, just talking. For about 5 mins everything was going fantastically. No sputtering, no snorting, no hysterical giggles and none of me trying to ignore him for fear of… well I don’t know exactly I’m afraid of but it’s terrifying enough to have me running, literally. Because sadly, that’s what ended up happening.

I ran.

Yes, you’re reading correctly. I actually ran away from him. On to the bus, far in to the back while my rational and irrational parts of my brain were duking it out.

Rational: What the fuck was that?

Irrational: OMG OMG OMG he may sit back here. OMG OMG

Rational: So?

Irrational: Than I’d have to talk to him again.

Rational: And this is bad because……?

Irrational: Because!! What if I have something on my face? Or what if he secretly thinks I’m incredibly ugly and is silently making fun of me? OMG I can feel my rolls move every time we go over a bump!

Rational: You’re a fucking moron. Who cares what he thinks? As long as you’re happy nothing else matters. If you’re so concerned with you weight than why not DO something about it?

Irrational: I’m going to start jogging as soon as I get new running shoes!

Rational: Suuuuure. And than you’ll need new clothes, than another excuse and another. Just fucking do it!

Irrational: I will!

Rational: You haven’t yet and been bitching for years.

Irrational: Fuck you!

Rational: You do realize that you have no argument and are just extremely lazy right?

Irrational: *gives silent treatment*

Rational: I wish I could punch you in the face.

Yeah. So that’s my head. And guess what kiddies, it’s ALWAYS turned on. I KNOW that I’m acting completely absurd. I know that when I ignore a guy that is actually looking at me with interest, it’s my loss. Every time I try and even just *smile* at a guy that’s looking at me I feel like there’s a butterfly in my stomach with a AK47 and the voice which sounds astoundingly like my mouth turns on and any self assurance I had is floundering out the window. So I keep walking, head down, headphones on and my rational side just begging me to do SOMETHING. But no, I become shy and awkward and get down on myself. That may be the saddest thing of all. No one cares, but apparently the fact that I do outweighs the entire fucking world.

Why am I writing this here?

Well 2 selfish reasons really. 1. In case anyone else there feels like this and thinks they’re fucking nuts (which I do think I’m fucking nuts) you’re not alone. 2. To show people that YES I know what you’re about to say. “Heather who cares what anyone thinks?” I DON’T KNOW!!!! I’m trying to not care. Really. Than some one with incredible self confidence walks up and I’m ready to jump in to traffic just to get away from them.

Rational: Cue psycho music.

Quiet you!!

I am working on it. I am a work in progress. I DID go jogging last night and plan on trying to do it tomorrow morning. Yes I know that I need to learn self-discipline. I’m working on it.

One of these days my rational side is going to kick my irrational side to the curb, and it’s going to be fucking awesome.

ps. This is an old post I never put up. I shall be writing a new one by the end of this week. Don't give me that look, I've been busy.