September 30, 2008



Yes, this is no longer September, this is the month of Fucktember where everyone I know, including myself has been fucked over countless time. Lets start with my buddy Wes. First off he’s pretty much couch surfing. He does pay rent to live in a studio with another guy but is rarely there. He just lost his job and last night he was hit by a car. Yeah, awesome times. He’s ok btw…. at least as far as I know. Let’s move on to my buddy Heather. She moved to Portland a while back for a bartending job and found an awesome guy that she had to move in with because she didn’t have the money to pay rent because that awesome bartending job fired her within a month, so she lost her apartment but he now the awesome dude no longer wants to be with her. She came back to San Francisco and is currently living on my couch and last night all of her stuff was stolen from her boyfriend’s apartment. Ok now for my buddy Jaye. She moved out here mid august with the intention of moving in with me and getting her husband out here. Well, they’re getting a divorce and now she’s looking for a room and is currently living in my bed… with me. lol. So those are just some small fun examples of why September is officially Fucktember in my book.

I’ve also had a fair few of fuckups lately. But right now my mind is solely focused on the fact that I have a rx that’s being filled that could kill me. The chances are slim but I am still putting myself in the line of possible complications. And I want nothing more than to talk to someone that doesn’t exist: my mom.

I want to hear reassuring words and for her to say she’s proud of me for trying to get better. But that won’t happen. I’d like to hear my dad’s voice as well but I don’t know what to expect from him anymore. It would also be nice just to have a partner that was here to hold my hand. Cause I’m scared. Really, really scared. The what if’s are chasing me down and beating the shit out of me. I’m lucky to have the support system I do have but it would still be nice to go to bed with someone and just be able to cry on their shoulder and have them still love me even though I am fucking nuts. To not get scared away, to take my pushes as a challenge. But I know that I can’t have that right now. I need to learn about myself. I need to be responsible only for myself.

It’s just... hard.

September 16, 2008

A Story for You

Ok, now before you read this story, understand that yes, it is long, that yes I am aware it is riddled with grammatical errors and needs work but fuck it, I want to post it anyway. If you dare to read it in it's entirety, let me know what you think.

Tara Twyler was of the opinion that her freckles looked like water stains. She was convinced that they just weren’t vibrant enough to be considered an actual freckle. She usually covered them with a thick layer of Ivory foundation but this morning a severe deadline at work had her on the train a good two hours earlier than normal and in order to not pass out at her desk, she decided to forgo any unneeded prep time. She was examining herself in the window of the train and after scrutinizing her freckles and rolling her eyes at the copper mess that was her hair, she noticed her right eye seemed more defined than her left eye. It was then she realized she had only put mascara on that one eye. She tried to remember what else may have forgotten to do but the only thing that came up hazy was if she had put deodorant under both arms. She remembered swiping underneath her left arm but a stubbed toe caused her to just move on to the next thing so she could make the train. She supposed it was her body’s way of balancing everything out and she snorted out loud at the thought.

An old woman who was already white knuckling her purse glared up at Tara while attempting to inch her narrow body further away from the seemingly crazy snorting girl. Tara ignored the urge to snort again and rolled her eyes fully aware that the person the woman should have been inching away from she was actually moving towards and he was having a full on conversation with a spray painted rock who's name apparently was Betty. Tara smiled and buried her head in her arm while muttering “Only in this city.” She sighed, tightened her grip on the muni pole and began mentally preparing herself for another Monday of work. She hoped she wouldn't be the only one on her team to be at work early and desperately hoped that Adam wasn't coming in early. Even thinking of his name had her blushing and her mental processes stammering. She had pining over him for a good three months now ever since he transferred in from the main office but had yet to speak more than one sentence to him. She sighed when she imagined his curly blond hair and somewhat geeky demeanor.

Tara had tried to come up with some creative conversation starters but whenever she got within four feet of him a strange feeling would come over her. It was almost like something was battling for control inside her head. She grew to understand to be wary of this feeling because it usually warned of a humiliating experience ahead. You see, Tara had an “issue” with her emotional and logical parts of her brain. The cause of all her trouble was the fact that they just didn’t get along. In fact, they had been feuding for her cognitive functions since an unfortunate incident involving Tara’s 7th grade crush, an ice skating rink, and a trip to the ER. Tara's emotional side thought it would be romantic to skate up to her crush all cute like and grab his hand while Tara's logical side pointed out that Tara didn’t know how to skate. The fight for control of her actions started and resulted in Tara's body literally fighting against itself and when she hit the ice face first her emotional side refused to relinquish control so she clawed her way to the horrified boy still intending to grab his hand. By the time logic finally regained control Tara had managed to drag herself across the rink and had the sense to grab his skate and scream “Help me.”

Ever since then any date she had been on usually ended with her breathing into a paper bag or running to the bathroom in order to orally expel the dinner that had just been paid for. Needless to say her love life was nonexistent.

A sudden horrid screeching of brakes, the muffled sounds of curses and an elbow to her ribs snapped Tara back to the present. More people crowded into the already cramped space and a flash of blond set Tara's heart racing. She counted to ten and convinced herself that the chances of Adam actually being on this particular train car was one and million.

“Hey! Hey Tara!”

Tara felt the blood drain from her face and frantically tried to find a way to hide.

“Tara! Hey! Excuse me.”

Adam was fighting against the crowd in order to come talk to her and she was frozen in fear. From some where in the back of her head emotion's surprised voice echoed

“Holy fuck, he’s talking to her!”

And logic answered “Astute observation genius.”

“Hey! Oh! Sorry!”

The foot that Adam had unfortunately stepped on belonged to the crotchety old lady and she was now glaring at Tara with an accusatory look on her face. Tara fought back the urge to start laughing hysterically and turned to meet Adam.

“Uh, hi.”

“Good morning!”

Adam's enthusiasm had logic thinking the boy must have be on drugs in order to be so chipper at this hour. Emotion was too busy fawning over Adam's boyish charm to realize that logic had taken control and was now forcing Tara to speak.

“What drugs did you take to make you so hyper this morning?”

Tara's eye twitched as she realized this just wasn't going to end well. Adam threw back his head and laughed.

“I usually go rock climbing in the morning so I'm a bit hyper by the time I get on the train. That and I've had about 4 cups of coffee.”

Tara's emotion attacked logic in order to gain control of the situation and while they fought Tara was on her own so the first thing that popped into to her head shot out of her mouth.

“I would kill for a cup of coffee. I mean.. not like really kill someone. That's bad... I mean I can't even kill a bug. It's the crunch that gets me. Then I always wonder if it has like a mate waiting for it at home or something...”

Tara stopped her rambling when she noticed one of Adam's brows arch. An awkward silence ensued. Adam cleared his throat, ran his hands through his hair and adjusted his glasses

“Yeah so this deadline is rough.”

Emotion and logic were duking it out to see who go to govern the next response so Tara was stuck with whatever words decided to fly out of her mouth again.

“Usually I like it rough. I mean... not like that! I would never say that to anyone that's above me at work.. I mean not “above me” like physically but like in the hierarchy that is our job.. cause you're like my boss so you're above me. In that way. I meant I like steep deadlines because they push everyone to be more creative.”

Adam's bemused expression took on the softer overtones of amused and he smiled.

“I know what you mean!”

As soon as that statement left his mouth three voices chimed together in an astonished “You do?”

Logic and emotion were baffled. Tara was near hyperventilation and hanging on his every word.

He noticed her astonished expression and continued.

“Well yeah. I mean I'm so lazy so I never get anything done even though I have all the time in the world. But when someone puts pressure on me thats when I produce some of my best stuff.”

Tara was enthralled but logic needed some clarification. So to Tara's horror another question slide past her lips without her control.

“What do you mean work? You just manage us don't you?”

Tara slapped a hand to her mouth to try and prevent anything else from escaping. Adam furrowed his brow at her and laughed again.

“I'm also freelance graphic designer. It doesn't pay the bills so rely on my “management skills” to bring home the bacon, or in my case 3-d software.”

Tara's logic immediately jumped to the conclusion that since he did graphic design he must be a bit of a geek and immediately she launched into geek talk.

“Really? What operating system do you use? I'm a fan of Linux myself but was a bit miffed that Redhat became Fedora so I switched to Suse but then Ubuntu came out and I've been using that ever since.”

Adam's face was blank and emotion wretched the controls out of logics proverbial hands and was trying to think of something witty to bounce back with but Tara had clamped her jaw shut and while her vocal chords were trying to follow emotions command the only noise emitting from her was steady “gghhhhh” that had the back of Tara's teeth vibrating like tuning forks.

Adam bent down and pat Tara on the back.

“Are you ok?”

Tara answered through her clenched teeth. “Super.”

Emotion decided to press the over rule button and Tara's jaw dropped open and a jumbled mess of words fell out.

“asdfnkalsdnf alsndfksadnfkln.”

Tara could feel tears forming in the corner of her eyes. She silently began pleading with what ever deity that popped into her head to please make this stop.

Now emotion and logic weren't alone in Tara's head but no one had interfered before but someone had had enough.

“OK! You two need to stop fighting and play nice because the cognitive functions are all spastic because they trying to keep the girl from wetting herself and throwing up at the same time. The poor girl is sputtering worse than a volkswagon Rabbit in a snowstorm so just let HER take control of her own damn actions and words otherwise you'll be visiting the colon for a very, very long time.

Logic and emotion had the sense to look perfectly placated and removed their hand from Tara's mental controls. They both took a step back and with their heads down they acknowledged their defeat. “Yes Mrs’ Common Sense.”

“Honestly, and the nether regions wonder why they’ve been so lonely lately.” Mrs Common sense marched up to mission control and switched it on to auto pilot.

“Do not make me come back over here!” With that Mrs. Common sense left mission control with random words trickling behind her as she marched down the hall and soon the only words left reverberating were “dumb” and “shits”.

Now that Tara had finally gained control of what she said she was handling herself just fine. Some of her responses were still more than a little spastic, but that was just Tara. Adam happened to like quirks so the next words out of his mouth nearly floored her.

“Do you want to get breakfast?”

Logic and emotions looked at each other, then looked at the control panel, then looked back at each other. Before either of them could dive in and take command Tara's voice rang through the air.

“I'd love to!”

Emotion and logic were stunned. She had never before answered with such ease and honesty. They sat down in defeat. Perhaps she really didn't need one or the other to control her so they both accepted their future duties would probably only involve a lot of advising..

Logic offered his white flag first. “Truce?”

Emotion got teary eyed and agreed. “Truce.”

As Tara and Adam got off downtown emotion couldn't help but notice how cute they were together.

“Say, logic, wouldn't it be quite if she grabbed his ha...”

“Don't even THINK about it!”


September 9, 2008

Smatterings of Self Absorbed Musings

So, as I stated once before I’d like this blog to be more about my external life than my mental. If you’ve read any of my entries you can pretty much roll your eyes at that statement.


Apparently I’m pretty self absorbed like most people that write a blog self absorbed. NOW WAIT! Before you freak out about that statement lets look up what the definition of self absorption is shall we? Lets go on an information adventure!!

A adjective
1 self-absorbed, self-involved
absorbed in your own interests or thoughts etc

There, see?! It’s not a NEGATIVE term. It just means that I find my mental vomit amusing and hell, if you’re reading this, so do you…. cue Mister T’s “I pity the fool”.

HA!! *ducks smack for self deprecation comment*

I knoowwwwwwwww that I hide behind humor. Duh. It’s my coping mechanism, my defense mechanism and the key to my heart BUT I also know that sometimes it’s not so good. So, anyway on to the existential point of this post.

Look at a leaf. Any leaf. A maple leaf, an oak leaf. Any leaf from any where. Concentrate on the colors. At first glance you may think it’s just green like any other leaf but look CLOSER. You’ll find some yellow swirled in there or perhaps some orange.

Now, look at your skin. Look at the colors and the veins blended together to create your unique shade.

Dude, how can we NOT be self absorbed? Humans are fucking amazing. We created society, we’ve created arguments about how *we* created society. We’ve created Gods, Goddesses, worlds even. Yet whenever someone uses the term “self absorbed” we cringe and immediately try and focus on something external to prove that we can think about something other than ourselves.

Here’s my conundrum.


If you’re thinking about yourself or pondering how YOU think things through I really don’t think that’s a bad thing.

NOOOOOOW WAIT A SECOND. I’m not saying that constantly thinking about yourself is a good thing. Hell I know it’s a bad thing. That’s part of how I’ve crippled myself. I finally understand the term self conscious. I thought I did before but I really didn’t. I am so self conscious I am self absorbed. I am constantly thinking about how I am perceived. I am putting thoughts in other peoples heads. I am thinking of myself all. the. time.

Or, at least I *was*.

I’m getting better at smacking down that insolent voice that’s all snarky from the dark recesses of my brain cutting me down and making me sputter back comments while frantically trying to see if anything is wrong with me. Why does anyone cut themselves down? There are enough fucktards in the world that relish doing it for you.

Anyway - I believe that if you are trying to figure out how your brain works you deserve a pat on the back and a treat of some kind. You are doing something that not many people stop to do. Once you figure out how you work, you can start the fun task of thinking about how other people work. Now THERE’S a fascinating subject that will never, ever be explained.

“Other People”.

The only person we can ever truly know is ourselves sooooo peeps, I say lets listen to Apollo’s Oracle and start getting to know ourselves. I mean, technically we’re only following our own advice, yeah? And how old is this advice?

Let’s get crackalacking. WOO WOO.

Yes, I am aware the sense is lacking here in this smattering of words but hell, who knows maybe there is sense here, just not the kind you’re used to using….



lol ;)