September 30, 2008

Fucktember

Fucktember

Yes, this is no longer September, this is the month of Fucktember where everyone I know, including myself has been fucked over countless time. Lets start with my buddy Wes. First off he’s pretty much couch surfing. He does pay rent to live in a studio with another guy but is rarely there. He just lost his job and last night he was hit by a car. Yeah, awesome times. He’s ok btw…. at least as far as I know. Let’s move on to my buddy Heather. She moved to Portland a while back for a bartending job and found an awesome guy that she had to move in with because she didn’t have the money to pay rent because that awesome bartending job fired her within a month, so she lost her apartment but he now the awesome dude no longer wants to be with her. She came back to San Francisco and is currently living on my couch and last night all of her stuff was stolen from her boyfriend’s apartment. Ok now for my buddy Jaye. She moved out here mid august with the intention of moving in with me and getting her husband out here. Well, they’re getting a divorce and now she’s looking for a room and is currently living in my bed… with me. lol. So those are just some small fun examples of why September is officially Fucktember in my book.

I’ve also had a fair few of fuckups lately. But right now my mind is solely focused on the fact that I have a rx that’s being filled that could kill me. The chances are slim but I am still putting myself in the line of possible complications. And I want nothing more than to talk to someone that doesn’t exist: my mom.

I want to hear reassuring words and for her to say she’s proud of me for trying to get better. But that won’t happen. I’d like to hear my dad’s voice as well but I don’t know what to expect from him anymore. It would also be nice just to have a partner that was here to hold my hand. Cause I’m scared. Really, really scared. The what if’s are chasing me down and beating the shit out of me. I’m lucky to have the support system I do have but it would still be nice to go to bed with someone and just be able to cry on their shoulder and have them still love me even though I am fucking nuts. To not get scared away, to take my pushes as a challenge. But I know that I can’t have that right now. I need to learn about myself. I need to be responsible only for myself.

It’s just... hard.

3 comments:

+/- said...

i love you.

Terese said...

You can cry on my sholder any time you want.......i might even cry with you.

Lena said...

heather, you are a kind and compassionate person and care deeply about your friends. But right now you need to think about yourself. Make yourself better. I'm sorry all those terrible things are happening, but if you keep taking all of everyones troubles onto yourself, you will end up in a bad place. They made decisions to get where they are and you've worked very hard to get where you are. I've watched you grow so much in the past few years... Please fake care of yourself and although I am kind of far away these days, give me a call if you need anything or just need someone to talk to. Please take care of yourself.