October 9, 2008

The Enigmatic Confidence Returns and Ramblings of Sunsets

Self Confidence: “Ah.. hi!”


SC: “Uh... I had stuff to do?”

Me: “For a fucking week?!?!?”

SC: “Language, language!”

Me: refrains from attacking

SC: nervously coughs “Well, I'm um... back and I'm sorry.... miss me?”

Me: roars and attacks

Yeah, so the little lead ball of doom melted away and I'm back to my quirky self. I'm also back to thinking “Ah geez, I'm not bipolar, these are just little mood swings... who needs medication?” Then I re-read my posts and am like... “ohhhhhh K so I have issues.”

The land inside my head is a little weird. Sigh

While walking home tonight the sunset reminded me of one of my most favorite things: curled up in someones arms, my face buried in their neck, eyes closed breathing in their scent. The best is when they're asleep and when you snuggle up to them and they unconsciously move their head to touch yours and tighten their arms. That place is so safe and warm. It reminds me of sunsets. The feeling that expands and tingles down your arms and the secret smile that folds your cheek. The colors remind me of it too. That's what I see when I'm cuddling. Oranges, reds, purples, yellows that fade to blue. It's strange. As I write this, there is no sense of longing because those moments are so lovely that when they happen I'm grateful for it and don't dare to associate any ill feelings with them. Those moments are kept just under my skin for future need. Even if the relationship has withered or been soured by time, those moments I still treasure. Those moments just are, just as I long to just be . To just feel in the moment and not have some long standing emotion or mood in the way.

Since I rarely sleep for long periods of time, I always end up watching the men sharing my bed (don't let the use of men in the plural form let you think it's been a whole lot lol). When they sleep it's so strange. Their features are neutral and that's when you really see them and not an emotion. When we're awake we unconsciously wear what we feel on our face and when we sleep we just are. Just to clarify – I am not a creepazoid that watches people sleep constantly, I just glance because some how it seems too private to really stare. Though I do admit that I wish I could draw their faces. There was one in particular I wanted to capture because he looks so different when awake. When awake his brow is usually furrowed and a frown usually marred his features, but when he was asleep, he looked so peaceful. I hope one day he can find that peace outside of the land of the sandman.

Sleep is so strange. I find such solace in it and it's so foreign for me to fear sleep. I say this because a couple of good friends of mine have horrific nightmares almost every night. While my dreams are nonsensical terror rarely enters them. MMmmm sleep. I've actually been falling asleep lately without the help of the magical little yellow pill. That could be because I was depressed but scoff technicalities shmecnicalities. The good news is I'm back to feeling some what good. Lets hope this stays for a bit.... or forever really.... lol

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