October 30, 2008

Sidenote About the Last Post (Enough)

* sidenote - it has been brought to my attention that people think this blog is solely about one person. This is not true. It is about multiple people. She (I will no longer name names as it makes this person uncomfortable) was a good friend for a very long time. She was there for me when no one else was. What happened between us recently was built up over a couple of months. Perhaps we'll work things out. I would like that, but if we don't I will lament a great loss but move on. She and supposedly multiple people think I over reacted. I don't believe this to be true. If someone tells you something directly about how your actions offend them/make them feel bad you would most likely immediately change them. Also to bring up something like a mental illness vs a messy lifestyle is completely low and biased. If you are living in someone else's space, respecting it shouldn't have to be asked. I will stand by my reaction and I will stand by my decision. If you believe I over-reacted then that's on you. You are not me. I have one place in the world where I feel safe. There is a certain way I'd like to keep it. If that is something that can not be handled then tough, it's MY space. Other people’s opinions are just that, opinions. You have not seen the whole thing and you are not me. You do not know what it feels like to have absolutely no place to feel safe. For what I'm going through mentally... it's a fucking miracle that I am stubborn. Most of you who read this will not understand how hard it is for me on a day to day basis (I am not looking for pity, this is a fact) because I hide it. I hide it very well and I know that. Suicide is something I think about more than once a day, rather something I used to think about, as my current medication has stabilized me. Most of you would NEVER think that. I am realizing that I am strong because people diagnosed with Bipolar have the highest suicide rate. I refuse to give in. I will not let this illness win. So as for this whole debacle, remember what you hear is one side of the story. I know she has her own and I respect that. I understand her confusion, but I do not agree with it. I am trying to put my life back together after completely losing who I am. I can not spend my time explaining to people that what they do hurts me multiple times. If a friend told me that what I do hurts them I would immediately refrain from doing it. I shouldn't have to raise my voice more than once in my own defense. If you do not understand that... that's unfortunate. Let me know and I won't exert anymore effort to try and explain it and we can go our separate ways.

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