October 27, 2008

Enough

I’ve always had trouble laying down boundaries. I’ve been tip toeing over everyone’s emotional cracks for so long I twirled my way into a corner while the ground underneath me splintered. I had no room for me. I allowed everyone else’s needs to get in the way of my own. My self confidence was so low I allowed the saddest of individuals to batter me around.

I have had enough.

I can say with aplomb that I am a good person. I am caring, I am giving, I am loyal, and I will try and be there for everyone. But I am tired of being taken advantage of. It takes A LOT to piss me off. Most of the time I am too lazy/laid back to stay angry at anyone. But recently a few people have backed me into a wall and the claws came out.

Respect.

A simple thing, yes? I respect you, you respect me. But when I go out of my way for someone, when I defend a person, when I put their needs before mine (which won’t happen again, I assure you) a little respect in return is small thing to ask for. But it got thrown right in my face. I mean almost literally. I was so stunned I didn’t know how to react. Finally anger permeated my blank brain and for once I stood up for myself. This feeling has stayed. If you don’t treat me with respect and refuse to treat me like a friend or take advantage of me:

Fuck, you.

For real. I’m done. I give LOTS of chances because I understand how sometimes life just prevents you from making the greatest decisions. But if I talk to you and let you know that you are disrespecting me and you continue with that behavior, don’t let the door hit you on the ass on your way out. I don’t need that in my life and I refuse to accept that shit anymore. I am going through some serious issues and the last thing I need is a “friend” pushing me over the edge. My backbone is stronger and it’s staying that way. I am tired of feeling bad if I raise my voice in my own defense. I’m not turning into a bitch, I’m just standing up for myself. I know that my attitude will shock and unmask the people that have been using me for awhile when I say “enough, I’m done”. I deserve more. If I lose “friends” because of this, then clearly they weren’t friends to begin with. Friendship, like any relationship is give and take. It’s all about compromise, not take, take, take then see ya.

So peeps, be prepared to hear the word “enough” leave me lips on more than one occasion. Because I’m tired but mainly because I deserve more and I’m finally staking my claim in it.

5 comments:

Tanya said...

Woot!

Unrelated - the dark background makes the links font color a little hard to see, but maybe it's my monitor setting?

Terese said...

Now your talkin!!!

Xantraun said...

rawk on, you!

as circumstance has it, i know only what i've read on here about your current situation... but put together with the heather i knew that used to sit on the docks with me in 20-below windchills eating cousins subs, it sounds like you're finally beginning to do for yourself what you knew you needed to do long, long ago.

...that came out kind of weird but my brain is on strike so it'll have to do...

O_o

man, everything i write here feels like i don't have a right to say it because we parted on such rocky terms (after having written numerous paragraphs, re-reading them and promptly deleting).

*awkward silence*

...so do you take all your blog header photos yourself or are they just random googlings? either way, you win one internets for awesomeness

p.s. my comment verification word is cutwhee XD that's some fitting gibberish i'd probably yell driving down the road in my car to the tone of nuetered mouse

NerdOneirik said...

Mister xantraun, (not sure if you want me to use your real name or not so we'll stick to internet obliviousness)you reminded me of how I did know all this a long time ago... but never had the courage to act on it. It seems kinda sad that it took almost 7 years for my backbone to grow, but hey, at least it's here. Of course, finding a medication to stabilize me definitely helps... lol.

Which leads me to words about our parting - ehhh while it was confusing, I figured that you were frustrated with the fact that I was once again stepping into a situation where I was going to get hurt (and boy did I, but hey, I learned a shit-ton from it)and you had issues of your own to deal with. We've always had a strange connection so I figured that some how we'd begin talking again (Ha! I was right WOO WOO!). Plus, out of everyone in that group you were the one that was there for me the most and encouraged the real me to come out and play so yayayayay!

Yeap, all those photos are mine! WOO WOO!

Lol I can totally see that. Only you'd have to be sticking your head out the window like you used to when your windshield was cracked. LOL awww memories!

ps. I *still* can't believe you ate those cookies off the bottom of my car floor... *shudder*

Also, give me your email damn it!

+/- said...

elfie accused me of not pointing out the obvious enough. so i must say "I’ve been tip toeing over everyone’s emotional cracks for so long I twirled my way into a corner while the ground underneath me splintered." fucking beautiful. i love the image this created.

and yes, i am proud of you. you really did stand up for yourself. because, honey, no one else is gonna.