July 16, 2007

People that make me think (GOOD THING)

So while wandering the twisted corridors of my mind I came across a memory of a person's words that made me think. In a good way. A productive way. In a-Heather-there’s-life-outside-your-fucking-head way. Obvious, no? I guess you could say I'm a bit of a dreamer. But believe it or not I used to be *very* closed. I never let anyone in for fear of getting hurt. But because of that I was pretty much brutalized by an event in my life that still makes me cringe to recall it. Because of that I became too open. My life story literally pours out of my mouth like verbal vomit when ever any one asks a simple question. Or at least it used to. I've learned to manage it a bit more but I still just lay everything out on the table, but I think I prefer it that way. I am not one for mind games. If I feel something, I'd rather say it.

But, of course, there is an exception to this: “liking” someone.

If some one likes me, and I don't return the feelings it is very hard for me to just come out and say it. I’d much rather disappear. Keep in mind this has only happened a handful amount of times BUT it happened. Also if I like someone… ohhhh brother. I turn in to a wreck.. As you can tell from my previous blogs, I am so very shy when it comes to this. I can talk to anyone about anything EXCEPT this. I am terrified of being that vulnerable. Rejection scares the shit out of me (in that sense). Why oh why do boys no longer approach females? If they do it’s usually not for a date it’s usually for “wham, bam, thank you mam”. I can’t do that. I feel far to much. Besides, sex is better when there is *some* type of emotion behind it. At least for me.

Anyway, back to people that make me think. I love them. Your mind can never grow if you don’t challenge it. It’s taken a bit but I now understand that when people challenge, it’s different than attacking. I used to get all uppity and sensitive now I just try and recall my facts (they tend to fly in and out of my brain with the fervor of a bat on speed) and hold my own.

Ah words. Sometimes they explode out of me. (for serious)

Yes, words explode out of me. I'll be sitting there, all unsuspecting like and then BAM! A random order of words comes to mind and I *must* right them down or else they'll slip back their homes in mind and will never again come together in the same order. Here's one I did copying down on a napkin and eventually transfer to a word doc:

Let me choose my shade from you
Deliciously dark black and memories of blue
Seemingly serpentine
Glowering over the illustrious sheen
That was once my love for you.

Cheesy? Perhaps. Dramatic? Definitely. But I happen to like it. These periods of explosive creativity have definitely waned. It used to happen at least once a day. But now I'm lucky if it occurs once a month. And it's killing me. I hate not being able to transfer my thoughts to paper or even type them out. It’s really been the only thing I did that helps release some of the madness in my mind.

I like to think of my mind like a library. If it get disorganized (which it is right now) I can not find a damn thing. Then things begin to pile up and finding anything becomes a chore and near impossible. This is what makes me shy. It frustrates me to no end that I can not recall key facts that will back up my story. Hell or even events that happen in a story I’m trying to tell. Then I get flustered and try and back pedal to try and remember just where the fuck I read said fact while the person I’m trying to debate with immediately thinks I’m making it up or knows nothing due to my sputtering and pauses. I wish I could remember even just a tiny bit of what I absorb. I will spend all day reading something and can’t recall a fucking thing. Grrrrrr. Ok well I believe this strange blurb shall be the blog for the day. I will try and write more on a daily basis if only for my sanity and maybe for those that come across it.

Also THINK OF ALL THE STORIES THAT HAVE BEEN LOST!!! - Tracking a Vanished Civilization

No comments: