I have written a million blogs. Seriously. Buuut they’re all in my head. I constantly have an inner monologue that proclaims and discovers so many amazing things about life, love, myself, my crazy, etc., but when I sit down to write (or type) them out my brain is all “HAR HAR HAR FUCK YOU”. Here’s an example of my mental dialogue.
Me: Brain, you thought of so many insightful things. I’m going to sit down and write a blog, ok?
Brain: Fuck you.
Me: … What? Why?
Brain: What have you done for me lately?
Me: Uhhhh breathing isn’t enough?
Brain: I control that smartass. Seriously though, what have you done for me?
Me: I constantly feed you knowledge! I read, I challenge you with new knowledge and situations!
Brain: Yeah but we both know that you don’t even like a majority of what you’re “challenged” with.
Me: What do you mean?
Brain: Dude, seriously? Let me list them. 1. You hate your job. Waking up everyday to go to something we BOTH despise doesn’t exactly inspire me to be cooperative. 2. How’s that gym membership? OH YEAH YOU DON’T HAVE ONE. 3. Pretty much everything you say you’re going to do, you don’t.
Me: Hey! That’s not fair! You don’t exactly help out with that! Motivation is something we BOTH struggle with. AND I need the job for money. You know, the thing that WOULD PAY FOR A GYM MEMBERSHIP, FOOD, RENT, AND TOLIET PAPER.
Brain: Hey man, the toilet paper is for your ass, not me.
Ass: I’m staying out of this ya’ll. I have enough shit to deal with. HA! GET IT?
Me & Brain: Shut up.
And so on. I do have a basic plan of how to change my life BUT it’s going to take years. Seriously. That’s NOT an excuse. In fact, I can show you a timeline.
1. Get a US passport. I need this in order to apply for dual citizenship (stupid and strange, I know). They now cost $165 and the turn around time is about 2 months. I can’t afford it until January because I’m going to buy my parents a laptop for Christmas (I am the Best. Daughter. Ever. ). So that takes us into about March of 2013.
2. Go to City College and see how close I am to getting my Associates Degree. I know that I’m close and I also know that (the last time I saw a counselor, this is what she told me) I have to go to the head of the English department, math department, and science department to show them that I’ve already fulfilled the requirements for each of them. Then I need to sign up for any remaining classes to finish up the degree. That would take a semester. So that takes us into May of 2013 OR December of 2013 as the classes I need may already be filled.
3. Apply for Canadian citizenship. I called the Embassy and this can take up to 1 year. I can’t do that until I get my passport so this takes us into 2014.
4. Start applying to colleges in Canada and hope to GOD I get into one of them. My dream situation would be to get into the University of British Columbia to get my bachelors and then go to McGill for my masters. I’d also have to apply for loans and scholarships for this and I’ve never done that before so yeah. NEW CHALLENGES BRAIN, YOU HEAR THAT?
So IF I’M LUCKY, I’ll be “on track” at the end of 2014. Which means 2 more years of a job that makes me want to rip peoples faces off and use them for dart target practice. GOOD TIMES.
But the world is “going to end on December 21st” so maybe this plan will never come to fruition. TIME TO BRING ON THE HOOKERS AND BLOW.