August 13, 2008

Invest In Steel Toed Boots

I wish I could just plug my brain into the computer and my thoughts would stream out nice and neatly into the form of a post because it would make far more sense. I’ve written about 6 blogs that I haven’t posted because they’re all… depressing and I don’t want to depress anyone that reads this.

BUT

I am supposed to be writing this for me. This is kind of a “me” thing. But I share it in the sense that what I write is what I think and I’d like to share that with people because I may offer different view points OR my psychobabble could just be endlessly amusing. Either or at least I get it OUT of my head. I’m beginning to think of my brain as a swamp. Stuff gets stuck there and rots while thoughts become stagnate.

Honestly, I’m tired. So very tired of looking to other people to try and figure myself out. I shouldn’t be doing this, but I do. I envy hipsters and their lack of responsibility, I envy people that can sing freely, I envy people with style, I envy people who can just BE. I constantly compare myself to others in EVERY aspect of my life and I’m not really sure why. Perhaps it was because there is so much I was never taught via my parents. Maybe I’m just scared. I don’t want to stick out but I don’t want to blend in. I just want to be me and be ok with that. I want to figure out what I want and just fucking DO that. I want to find the elusive median so I stop bending over backwards for people that don’t deserve it and I want to make sure that I will always be up for compromise for the people that ARE worth it. So here are a few things I know that I want in no particular order:

- To get these jewelry ideas out. Create them, sell them, wear them, whatever - just get them out of my head. (Take a class in metal working)

- Sit down and write out the stories in my head and try typing them out from scratch to see which method works best for me.

- Write and sing the songs that I make up.

- Learn how to use GIMP and edit some photos and create things.

- Get a tripod and a better camera to take pictures with.

- Draw the faces I find fascinating.

- Travel across the US and Europe.

- Sing Karaoke with no fear. It’s just a song and it’s in fun, I need to get over it.

- Go shopping for more clothes and shoes that I will actually wear and get rid of EVERYTHING I don’t wear.

- Join the YMCA and take belly dancing classes and kick boxing.

- Get started on my tattoo.

- Read more nonfiction books.

- Go camping.

- Make sure and take 2 days out of the week that are just for me.

- Trust someone when they say “I love you.”

- Let someone in and be ok with the fact that I may get hurt.

- Make my own clothes.

- Pay attention at work OR find a job I some what enjoy.

- To stop settling.

- Tell people how I really feel. If they hurt me, tell them, don’t just swallow it and smile.

- Stop worrying about other people. It’s their life; I can’t make their decisions for them.

- To forgive my parents.

- To be ok with the fact that everything changes and not dwell on the shoulda, woulda and couldas.

- Buy a pair of “fuck me” shoes and ROCK them.

- To be a better friend.

- To learn when to shut. the. fuck. up.

- Stop interrupting people or assume what they’re going to say.

- Finish school.

- To understand that mistakes are good (aka when I play my guitar JUST KEEPING PLAYING DON’T STOP WHEN I FUCK UP)

- Change my laugh just a little bit because good god when it echoes it’s embarrassing.

- Accept the fact that I am spastic and awkward and that’s what makes me, me.

- To really believe that I am pretty cool and some what attractive.

- To be all romantic and mushy and kiss someone in the rain.

- To stop repeating myself and REMEMBER good tidbits I pick up or things I realize.

A strange list, but at least it’s a list so I can’t get all exasperated and bitchy and claim I don’t know what I want. Most of the time I know what I want, but I just don’t say it because I don’t want to tread on toes so I swallow it and train myself to forget or convince myself that it wasn’t really what I wanted anyway.

Fuck it; people can wear steel toed boots.

I won’t be a bitch and push what I want on other people cause I just don’t do that. But I have to train myself to believe that it’s ok to stand up for what I want, because who else will? No one else can get in my head and know so fuck, it’s all on me.

Le backbone. I grows it. And peace, I'll find it.



1 comment:

Terese said...

I like your laugh, please dont change it, and who care if it echo's. I think I laugh louder then you!!

Also, when you decide to buy "Fuck Me" shoes can i be there or help you pick them out, just thinking about this makes me excited!!!

Taking 2 days to have "me time" I HIGHLY RECOMEND, I'm all about me time so i fully support you on this!!!

And last,you think your pretty cool? UM NO, YOUR AWESOME, thats way more then cool, awesome people sing songs and dance at bus stops :) The attractive thing, Heather what one person finds ulgy, another person finds breathtaking, PLEASE REMEMBER THIS!!!!!!!!