A Random Memory

My fingertips trace your stories, trace your life. Nails pull a wandering mind back to the present with a sweet sharp sting. Lips fumble for silence while tongues challenge to evoke emotion. An indrawn breath leads to teeth on skin. I trace your bones and bite my lip as your eyes close.

Oh what a moment it was.

Sidenote About the Last Post (Enough)

* sidenote - it has been brought to my attention that people think this blog is solely about one person. This is not true. It is about multiple people. She (I will no longer name names as it makes this person uncomfortable) was a good friend for a very long time. She was there for me when no one else was. What happened between us recently was built up over a couple of months. Perhaps we'll work things out. I would like that, but if we don't I will lament a great loss but move on. She and supposedly multiple people think I over reacted. I don't believe this to be true. If someone tells you something directly about how your actions offend them/make them feel bad you would most likely immediately change them. Also to bring up something like a mental illness vs a messy lifestyle is completely low and biased. If you are living in someone else's space, respecting it shouldn't have to be asked. I will stand by my reaction and I will stand by my decision. If you believe I over-reacted then that's on you. You are not me. I have one place in the world where I feel safe. There is a certain way I'd like to keep it. If that is something that can not be handled then tough, it's MY space. Other people’s opinions are just that, opinions. You have not seen the whole thing and you are not me. You do not know what it feels like to have absolutely no place to feel safe. For what I'm going through mentally... it's a fucking miracle that I am stubborn. Most of you who read this will not understand how hard it is for me on a day to day basis (I am not looking for pity, this is a fact) because I hide it. I hide it very well and I know that. Suicide is something I think about more than once a day, rather something I used to think about, as my current medication has stabilized me. Most of you would NEVER think that. I am realizing that I am strong because people diagnosed with Bipolar have the highest suicide rate. I refuse to give in. I will not let this illness win. So as for this whole debacle, remember what you hear is one side of the story. I know she has her own and I respect that. I understand her confusion, but I do not agree with it. I am trying to put my life back together after completely losing who I am. I can not spend my time explaining to people that what they do hurts me multiple times. If a friend told me that what I do hurts them I would immediately refrain from doing it. I shouldn't have to raise my voice more than once in my own defense. If you do not understand that... that's unfortunate. Let me know and I won't exert anymore effort to try and explain it and we can go our separate ways.

Enough

I’ve always had trouble laying down boundaries. I’ve been tip toeing over everyone’s emotional cracks for so long I twirled my way into a corner while the ground underneath me splintered. I had no room for me. I allowed everyone else’s needs to get in the way of my own. My self confidence was so low I allowed the saddest of individuals to batter me around.

I have had enough.

I can say with aplomb that I am a good person. I am caring, I am giving, I am loyal, and I will try and be there for everyone. But I am tired of being taken advantage of. It takes A LOT to piss me off. Most of the time I am too lazy/laid back to stay angry at anyone. But recently a few people have backed me into a wall and the claws came out.

Respect.

A simple thing, yes? I respect you, you respect me. But when I go out of my way for someone, when I defend a person, when I put their needs before mine (which won’t happen again, I assure you) a little respect in return is small thing to ask for. But it got thrown right in my face. I mean almost literally. I was so stunned I didn’t know how to react. Finally anger permeated my blank brain and for once I stood up for myself. This feeling has stayed. If you don’t treat me with respect and refuse to treat me like a friend or take advantage of me:

Fuck, you.

For real. I’m done. I give LOTS of chances because I understand how sometimes life just prevents you from making the greatest decisions. But if I talk to you and let you know that you are disrespecting me and you continue with that behavior, don’t let the door hit you on the ass on your way out. I don’t need that in my life and I refuse to accept that shit anymore. I am going through some serious issues and the last thing I need is a “friend” pushing me over the edge. My backbone is stronger and it’s staying that way. I am tired of feeling bad if I raise my voice in my own defense. I’m not turning into a bitch, I’m just standing up for myself. I know that my attitude will shock and unmask the people that have been using me for awhile when I say “enough, I’m done”. I deserve more. If I lose “friends” because of this, then clearly they weren’t friends to begin with. Friendship, like any relationship is give and take. It’s all about compromise, not take, take, take then see ya.

So peeps, be prepared to hear the word “enough” leave me lips on more than one occasion. Because I’m tired but mainly because I deserve more and I’m finally staking my claim in it.

The Enigmatic Confidence Returns and Ramblings of Sunsets

Self Confidence: “Ah.. hi!”

Me: “WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?”

SC: “Uh... I had stuff to do?”

Me: “For a fucking week?!?!?”

SC: “Language, language!”

Me: refrains from attacking

SC: nervously coughs “Well, I'm um... back and I'm sorry.... miss me?”

Me: roars and attacks

Yeah, so the little lead ball of doom melted away and I'm back to my quirky self. I'm also back to thinking “Ah geez, I'm not bipolar, these are just little mood swings... who needs medication?” Then I re-read my posts and am like... “ohhhhhh K so I have issues.”

The land inside my head is a little weird. Sigh

While walking home tonight the sunset reminded me of one of my most favorite things: curled up in someones arms, my face buried in their neck, eyes closed breathing in their scent. The best is when they're asleep and when you snuggle up to them and they unconsciously move their head to touch yours and tighten their arms. That place is so safe and warm. It reminds me of sunsets. The feeling that expands and tingles down your arms and the secret smile that folds your cheek. The colors remind me of it too. That's what I see when I'm cuddling. Oranges, reds, purples, yellows that fade to blue. It's strange. As I write this, there is no sense of longing because those moments are so lovely that when they happen I'm grateful for it and don't dare to associate any ill feelings with them. Those moments are kept just under my skin for future need. Even if the relationship has withered or been soured by time, those moments I still treasure. Those moments just are, just as I long to just be . To just feel in the moment and not have some long standing emotion or mood in the way.

Since I rarely sleep for long periods of time, I always end up watching the men sharing my bed (don't let the use of men in the plural form let you think it's been a whole lot lol). When they sleep it's so strange. Their features are neutral and that's when you really see them and not an emotion. When we're awake we unconsciously wear what we feel on our face and when we sleep we just are. Just to clarify – I am not a creepazoid that watches people sleep constantly, I just glance because some how it seems too private to really stare. Though I do admit that I wish I could draw their faces. There was one in particular I wanted to capture because he looks so different when awake. When awake his brow is usually furrowed and a frown usually marred his features, but when he was asleep, he looked so peaceful. I hope one day he can find that peace outside of the land of the sandman.

Sleep is so strange. I find such solace in it and it's so foreign for me to fear sleep. I say this because a couple of good friends of mine have horrific nightmares almost every night. While my dreams are nonsensical terror rarely enters them. MMmmm sleep. I've actually been falling asleep lately without the help of the magical little yellow pill. That could be because I was depressed but scoff technicalities shmecnicalities. The good news is I'm back to feeling some what good. Lets hope this stays for a bit.... or forever really.... lol