January 28, 2009

Possibly TMI or Possible Giggles - You Have Been Warned

Okeydoke folks this may repulse you but it also may make you giggle. I'm really, really hoping for the latter. This post has been on my mind for some time but I feel the need to actually write it out due to my annoyance level rising because my Google phone does not work yet. AH HA.

Bathroom Etiquette - common sense, no?

Well, not in my building. Boys, I will warn you when you may want to avert your eyes from a certain part of this post but it’s not that bad, and if you do, you are immediately placed into the category of LAME.

Ok, first off. When you walk in to a bathroom and you see that a door is completely closed and feet underneath the door CLEARLY indicating that someone is occupying that stall, do you push as hard as you can on the door? Simple answer = no, right? Not in my work building. I have had to tell woman “SOMEONE’S IN HERE” many a time. Stupid, yes? This has happened multiple times and I’m suspecting that it’s the same woman.

Secondly, when did people start claiming stalls? The women on my floor ALWAYS go into the same stall and indignantly huff when it’s occupied…. it’s a stall, with the same fricken layout as the one next to it. *Sidenote* There are only three stalls in our bathroom, one being a handicap stall.

Thirdly, am I the only one that gets uncomfortable when I am the only one in the bathroom and some sits in the stall right next to me? It’s especially weird when they release a sound similar to a cat clawing its way out of their ass. Due to the fact that I am sooooo mature, I have to stifle my giggles due to the unwritten rule that girls must NEVER make noise in the bathroom. Even I get all weird about it when someone walks in and clamp up while silently cursing the woman for just being there. ESPECIALLY if they only came in to 1 Fix their hair and make up, while humming. 2. Brush their teeth 3 Shake the world with their defecation or 4. Wash dishes. As soon as they leave, the meows begin again.

Fourthly, has anyone ever heard of a fucking COURTESY FLUSH? I mean, seriously. Walking in to the bog of eternal stench is not fun. Not fun at all. Also, don’t you hate it when it already smells when you walk in, then someone else walks in and you wish you could proclaim “That wretched stench IS NOT FROM ME!” Especially when you both end up washing your hands at the sink, at the same time. Or if the foul odor is indeed from you, the urge to lie silently jumps up your throat.

Fifthly, flush.the.fucking.toliet. SERIOUSLY WTF? We have those automatic flushers on our la trines which sucks because before you even still down the damn thing flushes, yet, when you stand up… nothing. But, if you use your wondrous powers of observation, you’ll notice there is a little button that you can press that will make the porcelain contraption cleanse itself. But do the women on my floor do that? Nope.

Sixthly (boys avert your eyes). We had a “little problem” with someone leaving remnants of Aunt Flow on the toilet… then it spread to the floor, then the wall. Our building managers actually had to step in and put signs all over the bathroom letting Bloody Mary know that she had to cut that shit out asap. How fucked is that? That’s like… goatse fucked up. If you don’t know what that is, you are not a true geek. BUT DON’T LOOK IT UP BECAUSE IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

Seventh, if your toilet liner falls on the floor, pick the fucking thing UP. It was your arse that touched is so why are you scared to touch it once more? Seriously?

Eighth, WHY OH WHY does the janitor decide to clean the bathroom 2 seconds after I enter it? Feeling rushed to pee is never fun. Or if your ass is meowing, it’s embarrassing to leave the bathroom knowing that they will know that you had garlic the night before.

These are a few peeves that I’ve conjured up but I’m sure there are more. But I do believe this is good for the moment. So yeah…. have a good day and enjoy your bathroom experience. Or buy some air freshener so that you can 1 breath 2 use it as a weapon when a woman is trying to break in to your stall.

That is all.



Bert the trixie! said...

there's only one stall in the men's bathroom. but if there were more i would totally claim one. i'd carve my name in it, and poop in peace!

T. said...

I LOVE you!!!!!!!!!! I SO know how you feel on bathroom edquet, WHY is it so hard to flush, and among other things!!!!

something more than ordinary said...

I agree with your complaints. I'd like to add one that may be male specific. I hate it when guys standing at the urinal rip off a fart. You wouldn't do that in any other room, and I have to walk behind you to get to a stall. Now I know that once your in a stall and seated on a toilet that there may be some noises, cat's meowing and all that. I understand that, but I've herd some guys who will do it as they walk in. It's like "We're in the bathroom now, anything goes." Makes me frustrated. Oh well.

chelsea said...

holy CRAP! that was funny. And so true. Dooce has a hysterical post about pooping in Seattle that made me laugh pretty hard. I'm one of those people who would rather not ever think about poop and all of its amazing side effects, including the spectacular fascination boys seem to have with farts, fart sounds, etc. Drives me INSANE. So of course, God blessed me with two boys. Sigh. Poop. Can't live with it, can't live without it.

PS GIRL, I'm not going ANYWHERE! ANd for your information, you can email me anytime you like. ANd also for your information, I have a place called Ink Slingers, it is a secret club of writers, where we post our stories and crit them for each other. We once having been an impressive group of seven or eight, and now we being me and my online co-author of a trilogy, George, who is currently MIA. If you have buddies and would like to join up, I'd love to get the going again. It was fun. You could even get in there and run things if you like, as I haven't got as much time as I once did. email me: reinventingalice (at) gmail.com

Love you bunches, and a virtual blog move isn't the same as me vanishing. I do this all the time, you're just not used to it yet!!


Conan Neutron said...

Bathroom etiquette is pretty crazy.

But yeah, I think it's bad form for somebody to come in next to you and start tearing the place up.

baaaad form!

alice said...

I made my website @ squarespace.com and I bought my domain at ixwebhosting.com


Benny Y said...

pooping is natural. pooping is good. it's nice that we keep it all in one place... away from were we eat... though eating while pooping is kinda poetic in a way... circle of life... ellipses... i just wish mine were solid :-(

NerdOneirik said...

lol I am glad to see so many responses on such an absurd post!

alice said...

Hey now, it's been a long while since you've posted... I think you need to whip out that keyboard and heat it up.