November 11, 2008

Do Not Say Hella Around Me if You Value Your Eyes

*nervous laugh*

Ahem, so my posts have been a bit… “heavy” lately. For that I apologize. I’ve just been connecting a lot of dots and it helps to type them out rather than cramp my hand from trying to physically write as fast as my thoughts (HA HA HA HA HA… HAHAHAHAH *wipes tear from eye and becomes super serious* That won’t ever happen).

Anyway, onward ho to a nearly pointless tale of a misadventure!

Last night I visited my favorite bar, The House of Sheilds to keep my friend, who is the bartender, company. It’s usually pretty dead on Mondays so we jibber jabber and order pizza while she experiments with new drinks which I so selflessly guinea pig … <_<>_> But last night the energy was a bit "different" as it was our friend Chris’ birthday and he decided to bring the party to the bar.

I don’t think I’ve had to defend a bar stool so vigorously.

There were at least 30 people crammed into the bar and some very confused regulars that had to fight for their booths. Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit. It wasn’t like there was a choreographed knife fight/dance routine like in Westside Story. But that would be SUPER AWESOME if there was, as long as no one got hurt of course! Anyway, Chris is what one would call a “ladies man” and the number of innies definitely outweighed the outties. So there I was sipping my Chimay and greeting the few people I recognized when an interesting conversation over peppered with the words “like” and “hella” caught my attention as did the staggering amount of perfume that wafted near. Now, I’m not judging the particular group of woman that were standing behind me most of the night, I just found their conversations amusing in a totally not condescending way…


Ok so maybe my brain was a little condescending. I COULDN’T HELP IT. I know that I am a really nice person. One could argue that I am too nice as I find myself in situations where I could be likened to a doormat. I give people an ample amount of chances because I know that sometimes life throws curve balls and a person’s first reaction isn’t necessarily a good one. But first off, there should be a limit as to how many sprays of perfume one is allowed. I don’t care how yummy you think a perfume is. PEOPLE NEED TO BREATHE! The same goes for cologne. Come on people! How is anyone going to approach you when their eyes water within three feet of you?? Also, the word hella seems to be my trigger for a psychotic episode in which I try and stab a person’s eye out with a toothpick. Yes I hate it that much…. Anyway I really dug one of their hair cuts so I told her so and asked her how she kept it so straight. Her reply caught me a bit off guard.

“I’m Asian.”

My first reaction probably wasn’t the best as I started laughing hysterically. She raised her eyebrow and politely laughed with me for a brief second and turned back to her friends. Ah ha. That wasn’t awkward at all. Right after that someone made the mistake of placing a tray overflowing with cookies directly in front of me. I’m proud to say it took at least five minutes until I greedily grabbed one and stuffed in my mouth in an oh so ladylike manner. I waited another five minutes to see if anyone else had noticed it. Being the casual cathy I am, I mimicked a felix that cat clock and swayed my eyes left to right as I slid my hand neath the plastic sheath and grabbed another. Then another. A man shimmied up beside me to order a drink and he too noticed the magical baked goods. He asked if he could have one and assuming (which I should know better to NOT do as it makes an ass out of u and me) he was with the party I granted him access to the peanut buttery goodness. I asked him how he knew Chris and he look at me blankly while proclaiming “I haven’t a bloody clue who Chris is”. Ah ha. We laughed and continued to pig out while he praised the “good food” in the states (he was from Scotland) and we discussed my future trip to the Isle of Man. I uh, haven’t set a date for that yet but IT SHALL HAPPEN!! Anywho we split the last cookie and he gave me his e-mail address and that was that. No, I’m not going to e-mail him. Instead I’m taking a trip to good vibrations so I can have a penis with no emotional turmoil.

ANYWAY, back to the conversation that started this whole thing (have I mentioned I digress… a lot. And I bleed tangents. Really…). The “I’m Asian” girl was explaining an apparently “traumatizing” event that occurred at Zeitgeist. Now, if you’ve never been to Zeitgeist it’s a rad bar that has an expansive back area where most of the people sit and it’s what one would call a “bike bar”. A lot of bike messengers and hardcore bicyclists come here (or at least they used to before the marina invaded the mission *shakes fist at sky*). Since it is outdoors, the ground is comprised of gravel and dirt which one would think is common sense. This woman was complaining (I should note that she possessed the kind of voice that makes your ass tighten and you immediately strive to distance yourself from it) that 1. The rocks scuffed up her new designer shoes and 2. The guy who calls out the food orders “humiliated” her because she didn’t get up to get her food right away. I would understand how one could be confused over the protocol at Zeitgiest but she willingly admitted it wasn’t her first time there… There is even a sign saying they will throw your food away if you do not claim it. I promptly snorted in to my 3rd (maybe 4th) Chimay, and I think they noticed. Out of the corner of my eye I believe I saw a scowl and a roll of the eye. The cloud of rank perfume disappeared and I could breathe again. The grating voice ebbed away and the chorus of hella’s blissfully stopped. By this time my roommates had joined me and we conversed about far more important things like non-alcoholic beer…

I’m sure she is a nice person and I’m crummy for some what judging her but… how many hella’s can one take? Seriously? The WORST is when the word heka is substituted. *shudder* WHY NORTHERN CALIFORNIA, WHY?

That is all.


T. said...

Um i dont say "hella" and you know i'm a northen-cali girl!! Oh how i wish i was there all the faces i could have made, and ontop of that i know they would have made you laugh....dont feel bad, if we didnt have people like that then life wouldnt be so interesting! Also then i wouldnt be able to make my faces!

chelsea said...

very entertaining. Ah to have a social life and an opportunity to poke fun at asians and eat peanut buttery goodness with a scottish bloke. lucky. now can i ask you to please rethink your blog colors and do away with the white on black because it really hurts my eyes and i would like to continue to read your bloggy! pleeease? i hope you aren't offended, my eyes jut aint what they used to be. plus that black and white combo with a touch of red and blue (if i remember correctly) is so obama. and though i'm glad obama won, i'm tired of that color scheme. or my eyes aren't as good as they once were. holy shit i'm taking this way too far. read my last post and maybe you'll understand. (stupid jabberwocky.) i apologize also for the lack of punctuation and shit grammar.

NerdOneirik said...

ms chelsea lol you are not the first to plead with me to change my blog colors therefore I promptly will. Hopefully it's a bit better. I just hate black on white so hopefully this is a bit better. HA!! Never worry about grammar with me dear. I skip words and even sentances sometimes while writing a post.
As for your blog, I have a long winded comment on the way... once again I apologize for responding with a novel lol.

chelsea said...

oh my gawsh I love you! Much better color choices, totally easier on the eyes. Good jorb. And bring 'em on, those epic comments. They make me feel like my blog is alive. And since this blog is keeping me sane at the moment...comment away. I'm still totally dense today or I'd pay you back with at least a novella length comment.

(my word verification was "sebistpu." this made me laugh for some reason)

Tanya said...

Haha "I'm Asian." Way to go and classify yourself, girly.

So why *won't* you email the Scottish guy?

Also, *my* authentication word is "frihem," which I am choosing to pronounce as FRY 'EM, which is what I want to do to some people today.

chelsea said...

it's 2:00am and I'm ready to read... where's my daily dose, sista?

+/- said...

"has an expansive back area"...

HAHAHAHAHA!! you know what i mean?

all in all, it sounds like you had an enjoyable evening. i kinda wish i'd been there, to combat the "hella"s. grr... i love that there's no actual definition for that word either. because i'm asian.