November 29, 2008

Unexpected Adventures

Okeydoke, first off I'm ok, I've just been out and about and haven't really been at a computer to sit and write. My upped meds have definitely kicked in and I feel “normal”. Sorry if I concerned anyone I just haven't really been able to sort out my thoughts into words. Last night I did something that cements my overall wellbeing. I went on a date with a guy I only met once. I know this doesn't sound like a big deal but ohhhhhh man was it lol. I usually get incredibly anxious and psych myself out before the date and am incredibly jittery and tense while on the date. Thanks to half of a little magical pill my attitude was pretty much “Whatev's, this will be an adventure”. I actually had a lot of fun. He's quite sweet, but not like any other fellow I've ever dated. I usually go for the skinny nerdy hipster type boys who all seem to be more than a little douchey or “emotionally unavailable” but are emotionally prepared to have sex...Lets just say that if this was a cheesy high school movie this fellow would be the quarterback and I'd be the quirky artsy girl. I met him during the marina bar crawl (I'm the girlthat people had to help up because I fell on my ass... a totally "awesome" candid moment to catch....) I did so:
1. I never expected a call
2. I was more than a little intoxicated by the time we made it to that bar so I honestly couldn't remember what he looked like
3. It's the marina....
He admitted that he wasn't really a big fan of the area but his friends live around there so he tagged along.

Now this sounds a bit “fluffy” to write but I can't describe how BIG of a step this is for me. As i stated previously usually before any date I hyperventilate, cry and insist that I can't do it, much to my friends dismay. It was amazing to just be relaxed, enjoy myself and most importantly I was MYSELF. I didn't put on a front, I didn't censer myself, I was just me and it was pretty rawsome. He said he'd call me today but so far no go, but I am relaxed enough to not really care. I'm not taking it personally. Just not the right chemistry. It's not because I'm a hag or overweight (which is what I think in my mind but my friends assure me that I'm not.... but now I'm beginning to believe them because I'm reaching the point where I just don't care.... or that could just be today, who knows about tomorrow...)

Anyway, so yeah. Life is just fricken weird. I think it's even weirder for those of us that are “wired differently”. People say that “tomorrow is a new day” but for us, it truly is. We really don't know what the next day will bring. Will we hate ourselves? Will we be happy? Will we be sad? Will we beg for the release of suicide? It can be exhausting and sometimes you feel totally and utterly hopeless but I've learned to hang on because the good is so very, very, very worth it. No matter how low you go, I promise you will get back up. Even if it feels like you've been low forever. Hell, read my entries, I'm proof of it. ;)

So a somewhat lame entry but a little update, a little fluff and a bit of a story.. kinda.. lol

1 comment:

+/- said...

i'm reading that book "Lamb". it might help to re-read it for you. when they go to china, and learn to sit, not wait, but sit. to not think about where they will step to, but to focus on the step they are on. to totally meditate on the action in the moment.

i know it's a humorous book, but i really identify with that. to not worry about what tomorrow will bring, just differentiate every moment.

to not carry any animosity i feel towards olivia for biting my finger, even if i was angry, i am not mad at her. it was a pain, in a moment, and now? well i still love her, and she's amazing. it's all a collection of moments.