November 3, 2008

How Very Anticlimactic

Ok so a shit ton happened at my Halloween party but I'll rehash that in another post. I want to get these current introspections out before they're lost forever in the brier and bramble that is my brain.

A recent affair of mine ended with a half hug and a sheepish lament about how he wished I had come over the night before. I laughed and told him he had the option of texting me and I would have come over. He's moving away now and it's more than likely I won't see him anytime soon. It good that it ended because my head was getting a little fucked. Yet here I sit wishing for him to text me so we could see each other just one last time before he goes.


The beginning of this year I was dating a nice fellow and things just seemed to get worse from there. We broke up around April and I jumped to another lily pad but quickly realized it would never bloom. But I still stayed on it bobbing to the currents and occasionally sinking. Then an even prettier lily pad popped up and actually WANTED me to jump to it. But as soon as I did it moved and every time I finally got on the damn thing it would slip away again. I am so over the push pull game. I will be the first to admit it's a game that I sometimes instigate but now that I recognize that I do it, I shall cease. I am aware that there are many people that want to keep their options open... but fuck, I'd like to FOR ONCE be the better option instead of a diving board. But then again, how can I even suggest that when I don't even believe that I'm worth it. hrmmm perhaps I am beginning to realize I am.

Ugh, I shouldn't even be THINKING about this kinda stuff. I have so many other things in my life I need to focus on. I think a large part of me is looking for a connection to someone. I'm not that connected to my family and I have very few friends that I can bring myself to depend upon. I never want to be a burden so if something is bothering me I usually write it in my journal or just face it alone. Part of me is reaching out for someone who actually wants to reach back. UGH. I should just focus on writing my stories and my job but my mind always wonders as soon as an attractive man walks by. I, of course, would never approach anyone because I'm too much of a coward and even if they approached me I'd be so horrendously awkward that they'd probably cut the conversation short as soon as I sputter a response to hello.

I think I'm just trying to find another thing to focus on and occupy my time so I really don't have to consider what I want. Which sounds demented I know. It gets exhausting to reassure myself EVERYDAY that i am worth something, or to train myself not to care what other people think. I just want a quick fix of infatuation. But it will always fizzle due to the little storm cloud that forms over my head whenever I do become besotted. I begin over-analyzing everything I do hoping that I won't offend them or won't turn them off. It's pathetic really. I need to just fucking let go and not care. I need to stop opening conversations with self deprecating comments and instead focus the conversation outward. The biggest thing I have to remember is the next time a lily pad floats by, I must to refuse to jump on it until I know that I'm worth more than just a fuck.

1 comment:

+/- said...

"I'm too much of a coward" and "I'd be so horrendously awkward that they'd probably cut the conversation short" don't really seem to accurately portray the Heather I know.

You're a coward because you believe you are. You've proven time and again that you are brave, and strong. You project an awkwardness only when you obsess about how awkward you COULD be. I'm not going to tell you to stop thinking those things, but perhaps, reevaluate yourself. You're not a pink Cadillac, and you're not as blatantly awkward as you assume.